Dancing with the Universe

Reading http://www.inharmonyastrology.blogspot.com/, I was struck by how accurate this part was:

what you are rethinking this week is not just a job or a relationship or what have you, it is powerful, ingrained patterns of the soul that thwart your growth and require healing and change on the deepest levels. this week you can connect with even more of what this inward journey means for you.

and my actual sun sign reading got even more specific. It felt like someone had been watching and eavesdropping on my latest energy work session and the results it's had on my life this week.

I wondered how this could be accurate for all of us at the same time, while we all have vastly different lives and experiences. I wondered how it was possible to have free will and autonomy when it sounded like I was living my life from a script, predetermined by the Universe. I wondered why this might be totally accurate for me, but not even remotely close for millions of others.

In pondering these things, the metaphor of partner dancing came up. Dancing with a partner has come up several times this week, both as a metaphor and as an activity. I'm not a partner dancer, so I'm clumsy and dense when it comes to the signals. Even when the hand and body signals are firm and clear, I don't know what they mean, so I'm guessing what my response should be. Sometimes I guess right, but most times I guess wrong and there is a collision of some sort and toes are often stepped on. It's jarring and ugly, yet humorous and we laugh and move on. Even when I guess right, the movement is abrupt and over or under executed. It's not graceful and smooth like the other dancers I see on the floor.

It takes practice and refinement to both learn the signals and optimal responses to them. There are multiple responses and ways to communicate them with my partner so that I, too, can direct the flow of the dance. Over time, with lots of practice, the communication becomes subtle and effective and the result is a work of art, as the dancers glide over the floor, executing complex moves, seemingly effortlessly.

I think the Universe operates just like this. Astrology points to the same gross influences and opportunities we all have occurring at any one time and we can all have vastly different experiences based on our skill at interpreting the signals and executing our responses. It's the fine tuning that comes with practice that allows subtle communication between dancers' hands and we can fine tune our communication with the Universe in the same way, if we choose to pay attention and develop it. At first, we will be dense and unskilled and our lives will reflect that. Either the influences and opportunities will bounce off and be unheeded or we'll respond in a less than optimal way and there will be collisions of various natures and intensities.

When collisions happen, we're not being punished, it's just an opportunity for refinement and growth. All the while, an internal conversation is occurring and we get to choose it's contents. We can choose to be open and look at our collisions with an eye toward self discovery and refinement or we can choose to belittle and berate ourselves and shut down and erect walls of protection. It's totally up to us.

It's not always easy to stay open when major collisions occur. It requires faith that we live in a benevolent Universe and a willingness to let go of what we know for an expanded experience. It's worth it, though, because that dance with the Universe is so beautiful, both to behold and experience.

Guru Purnima 2009

What is Guru? Guru is a Sankrit word formed from the syllables gu and ru. In Sanskrit, gu is darkness and ru is lightness. Guru, then, is the dispeller of darkness. The way guru does this is by mirroring the light.

I’ve heard it said that one takes a guru to kill the self and then the Self kills the guru. It’s always Self unto Self, and that’s the role of the guru, to aid the disciple in discovering that within themselves. I like the definition of disciple that simply means “following the discipline of”. It doesn’t mean worship, it means learning by taking on the practice of someone more adept to obtain something for yourSelf. It always comes back to Self; there is no “other”.

I am blessed to have several dear gurus in my life. Some are here in the States, like Gina Salá and Eric des O’del and the teachings of New Thought. Some are in India, like Sri Shastriji and Swami Bodhichitanandaji. Some are in the ethereal realms, like Jesus and Buddha. Each of these teachers has shown me the truth about myself, by being who they truly are. They embody that Truth. Each of these people are intimately known to me, as me.

I don’t think I can convey the depth of my surprise when Jesus showed up for a conversation one day in meditation. I blurted out, “What the hell are YOU doing here? I don’t even like you. Oh, wait, yes I do. I just have issues with your followers.” He laughed lovingly and we got down to a seriously awesome heart to heart chat. The way I see it, you can’t hide anything from Jesus, so there’s no sense in being anything other than authentic. There’s nothing any of us can do to be outside the Love that created all.

And then there is the teaching that Everyone is my teacher, especially those teaching lessons I’m not keen on learning. I feel the Truth of this and honour them, too.

As I contemplate this Truth, I can feel all of my gurus in my heart. We are never separate. Whenever I need to be reminded, I reach out to one of my teachers and they are there for me, unfailingly, wrapping me in the love and pointing me inward, toward the unity of all there is.

So on this day of honouring my gurus, I will take their teachings to heart, and honour everyone, including myself, as there is only One guru, and we are It.

Namasté

Keeping It Real

The contents of this blog keep shifting, just like my life. However, the one, unchanging purpose of the blog is to be a trail of breadcrumbs. I intend it to be a travelogue of the journey I call life. I want other people on the journey to read it and perhaps find a bit of themselves and their triumphs and struggles in here and know they are not alone.

I don't want to spin it, I just want to capture it. A life of transformation is not all sweetness and light. Yes, what we pay attention to increases, but what we deny or resist persists. It's not balanced to only focus on the light side. God is in the angst just as God is in the joy.

There's no cause for concern when the posts are heavy. It's all just a part of life. Wrestling with angels is hard work and stirs up a lot of muck. Shadow sides are part of us, too, and carry much valuable information. They are not to be shunned, they are to be embraced.

Each new plateau brings new vistas and new terrain to navigate. The journey to awakening is never ending. Sometimes it's easy and sometimes the path is rock strewn. One is not better than the other as far as value. Sure the easy parts feel better, but I won't deny the hard parts.

Through it all, however, I laugh. Nothing is permanent and when I wrestle with the angels, I always find my way through it to the peace on the other side. I will hopefully learn how to put aside the wrestling for more gentle ways to learn, and I know joy is my natural state. It's all good.

Futility

Futility. That’s what it’s all about. Nothing will gain you happiness. Nothing. Not being a parent. Not having that perfect special lover. Not getting that special job. Not getting that raise. Not getting that promotion. Not learning to sing. Not earning that new degree. Not taking up that new spiritual practice. Not wandering a foreign country for four months. Not walking on fire. Not learning that new language. Not getting that big house. Not living on the waterfront. Nothing.

I know whereof I speak. I’ve done it all. Well, all except that new degree thing, and I’m rethinking that in light of this. Nothing has brought me happiness.

I’m fundamentally not happy and I’m still me. I think these two things are directly related. I think I took on a lot of these things not just to be happy, but to alter who I am so I could be acceptable to myself. Guess what? It didn’t happen. I’m still just as critical of myself as ever.

So, what is the key? How do I learn to accept myself? I honestly don’t know. I do know that I’m exhausting myself by all the reaching and grasping and “growing”. Fuck all that. I really hope I’m done with that.

Perhaps now that I know nothing will make me happy, I can focus on getting to know who I am, exactly the way I am, without judgment. I think that’s my only hope.

Just a typical weekend...

What have you been up to lately?

Me? Not much. The usual.

What's that?

Normal stuff, you know.

No, I don't. Tell me.

Well, Thursday, I went kayaking on Lake Union with friends and drummed in a music jam at a friend's birthday party.

Friday, I rode my bike 8 miles and read my book in the sun on the shore of Lake Washington with Mt. Rainier in the background and talked with a woman about taking windsurfing and kayaking lessons. Later, I watched an aerialist show in the park and ran into some friends and joined them for an Ethiopian dinner.

Saturday I put down a deposit on a waterfront apartment, broke an arrow with my throat and walked on fire.

Sunday I went to church, danced and sang, got together with friends and read poetry and spiritual works and discussed them, walked and laughed and talked and started learning to juggle.

You know, normal stuff...

Reality Mismatch

Something fundamental has shifted. Many things have fallen away and consciousness has expanded. I can’t talk about certain things with others. Well, I can. I mean, I’ve tried, but to no avail. They don’t get it. I’m dissatisfied with the conversations because they don’t have the frame of reference to understand what I’m saying.

It is sad, in a way, and sort of lonely, but I totally understand. It's a natural evolution. They mean well. They give me suggestions and/or tell me I’m over reacting. They don’t see that the origin of reality is at stake for me. They don’t see that my life literally depends on it. In their reality, it doesn’t matter. There are many, many layers between the cause and effect for them. In my reality, it’s sourcing my life and cause and effect are almost instantaneous.


I'm not angsty about these things, just mindful of them. I like talking about things I'm mindful of. My guides have been very vocal and very clear today. It’s a good thing, as I need to look within now. My old methods of sorting things externally are no longer effective. It’s a lonely feeling, this feeling like I’m not understood by ones whom I’ve come to rely on, ones who knew me better than I knew myself. In the context that they knew me, I no longer exist. Everything’s different now. We speak different languages. We have different constructs.

No wonder re-entry was more difficult this time. As I become proficient with being comfortable with my inner guidance, I think re-entry will become easier. This is a good thing, since I'll be coming and going every year. There will be a new point of reference, a new Jerusalem.

Things I used to think were critical to my survival are no longer relevant. I let them go with love and a bit of sadness in my heart. There's no going back. Fare thee well. Shalom.

But, I'm Just Some Kid From Lakeside

This afternoon, I find myself sitting on a bamboo mat on the floor of a yoga studio in Vancouver, BC. I'm facing a group of 20 women who have come from Japan to take a two week yoga teacher training course. I'm here to sing the response portion of call and response chanting in Sanskrit to help them know when to chant. As Ginaji weaves stories throughout the kirtan to illustrate the metaphors, and has them translated into Japanese, my gaze drifts over to the wall of windows and I admire the cherry trees in full bloom outside. She has some direct interactions with the class in Japanese and I am totally oblivious to what she's saying, but I totally understand the facial expressions and resulting laughter. I love these now familiar stories and I never tire of hearing them. I love being immersed in a group speaking in a different language, it allows the universal language and heart connections to be felt stronger.

My smile grows as I realize being here is great, but it's not that unusual for me to find myself in this type of scenario. This is my life and I adore it. Suddenly, it occurs to me just how far my life has come from when I was a kid growing up in Lakeside, a blue collar neighbourhood just outside of Richmond, VA. There, this scenario would have been just as likely as me listening to stories while sitting on the moon.

The tremendous, heart opening leaps of faith that have brought me here are staggering to look back on. Everything that happened to lead me to this point is cherished, even the oh, so hard, stuff. On the eve of Easter, I'm sensitive to the rebirth that is happening within me and within all of us. Life is a constant cycle of death and resurrection.

When we were done singing Lay Back In The Arms Of Love in Japanese, there wasn't a dry eye in the house. Hearts were opened, grief and gratitude were acknowledged, tears were shed and various levels of healing had begun. This is what life is about for me now, touching hearts and making a difference in people's lives.

Throughout my life, there has been a constant flame that burns within me. Call it the Holy Spirit, call it the Christ within, call it my inner Buddha nature, call it my soul, call it my mind, call it my psyche, call it what you will. It's eternal. It's beyond birth and death. It's essence is always Love and Light and always has been. My perception of it gets weak and feeble sometimes and gutters like a candle in the wind. It shrinks and hides to preserve itself sometimes, but it's always there. It's the one constant in my never ending changing flow of Now.

I've taken some pretty self destructive detours in my life. None of that matters. That I can sit in my bliss so calmly in a world that is so far from my origin is nothing less than a miracle. An ordinary, everyday miracle that shows me that nothing is beyond my reach. If I can dream it, I can be it. If I can't even conceive of it yet, I might just be living it someday in the future anyway. And if I can do it, anyone can. Just be aware of that flame. Trust it. Nurture it. Believe it's there.

As I finish this up, I'm off to bed. I have a 7am call time to sing with the Center of Spiritual Living's Choir of Light. Me, a woman who was convinced I was tone deaf until I was 45 years old. Again, the events that conspired to allow me to find my voice and then the courage to audition for a choir are nothing short of miraculous. Tomorrow, as I'm standing on the risers, dressed in all white, I'll be singing with gratitude and great joy. Yes, We Believe We Can Fly...

It's never too late. Ever. Happy Easter.

Moving Again and Random Update-y Thoughts

As I refine what I'm looking for here in Seattle, I'm preparing to move yet again. This time to a "mini-ashram", a house of an acquaintance whom I've always felt drawn to. She's well steeped in Eastern mysticism and her house looks and feels like a pocket of India. I think living immersed in that energy will go a long way toward evening out the peaks and valleys I've been experiencing lately.

I'm writing this at 2:30am, sitting cross-legged on a pallet I just made on the floor. I seem to be on India time lately and not sleeping at night. I was tossing and turning and had a sudden craving to sleep on the floor tonight. It feels better down here, for some reason.

There's no denying there have been fundamental changes in me since my journey. The layers upon layers of minutiae that are necessary to function in the West are piling on and my soul is crying out when it gets too smothered. Being open to the balancing act and ebb and flow is quite an interesting journey in itself.

I'm noticing deep changes in the way I move within groups of people in social situations. Situations that previously would have had me in my head, engaged in internal dialog around fitting in, are now effortless and fun and I'm totally relaxed and confident. I perceive no risk whatsoever, when before I would have been very constrained. It's fascinating to observe and quite gratifying.

I'm feeling totally in the flow again and have manifested my desires powerfully over the last few days. It's good to note that Tiruvannamalai isn't the only place where I can do that. Work projects are flowing to me and I'm feeling confident and capable. I sense that my plans to return to India for longer periods of time are sound and will happen. I also foresee adventures in various places in North, Central and South America as well as Europe.

I got a valuable lesson in manifestation last week. When fear is what I'm focusing on, that is what is manifested. The Universe is impartial, it doesn't give a rip what we ask for, it just delivers. I dished up a heaping helping of fear and misery last week and thankfully, with the support of highly conscious friends, turned it around quickly. Good lesson, that was.

I see a new paradigm forming in the new economy and I like it. I see people engaging in practices that feed them, while simultaneously teaching others how to do it and getting paid for it. That's a win/win if I ever saw one and that's the model that my business endeavours in healing and teaching will follow.

Speaking of which, I'm getting lots of clarity on expanding into healing and teaching. A big part of that will be writing at least one book, perhaps more. I love the web development and it will pay the bills while I expand into the other areas. In all aspects of my livelihood, I wish to be of service to all beings in all realms. I'm receiving feedback from people around the globe about being a positive influence in their lives and it's the first time I've seen and embraced this side of myself. I'm great at being a student, but it's just one part of me and embracing both student and teaching selves feels more balanced.

I feel like what's going on with the economy is just an outward reflection of what's going on inside me and with my life. The things that aren't sustainable are falling away and allowing space for new, collaborative things to be created. It's an exciting time to be alive!

Icons

I think I've figured out the purpose of icons, at least for me. A few days ago, when I was feeling out of sorts, I decided to hang my goddess wall hangings I picked up in India in my bedroom. I now have Saraswati hanging over my computer table and Kali Ma hanging over my headboard. As an aside, in the two nights since Kali Ma has been presiding over my headboard, I've had very vivid dreams. Since I asked for guidance, I think this is interesting and not coincidental at all.

Back to the icons, it is a completely different experience being in this room for me, now. They literally bring the room to life. In addition to them being breathtakingly beautiful works of art, they focus my attention on the Divine. I know that everything is Divine all the time, but having a visual representation really brings it to the forefront of my attention.

A space doesn't magically change into Divine space when one hangs up a picture of a goddess and I'm not actually worshiping the goddess. It's simply a pointer, a visual cue to remind me. It's an extremely powerful one and shifts my attention to what's already there, all the time. I can even say it acts as a portal for me. It brings my energetics out of the subtle into the material. It also acts as a mirror. I see myself in the intricacies of the colours and shapes.

They come alive when I contemplate them and I can feel shifts in my gross and subtle energies. The space inside of me expands to include the entire Universe. They are my chariots. May I always be surrounded by such lovely and loving vehicles.

Integration, Round Three - 10 March 2009

I thought I had reintegrated, but oh no. Not yet. I'm having a hard time figuring out what the point of living in Seattle is. I love Seattle. I love my friends here. It's not enough. Why is that???

The more people I reconnect with, the emptier I feel. This was one of the things I was apprehensive about before leaving, this not being happy anywhere after I returned. I don't know who I am. I don't know what I want. Why go through the effort of making a life here if I don't want to live here?

I have the love of some very dear people. If that doesn't do it for me, what will??? I have lots of questions and no answers. Things that used to be my method of grounding simply don't have the same effect on me now. I feel lost and really don't see the point.

I sense that this cleaning out is for my Good. It will allow what's next to appear and have the space to Be. I can't say it's pleasant though. Far from it. Perhaps this is my 40 days in the desert. I do know that it feels quite desolate.

Home. 2 March 2009

I've moved into a home that is mine for at least 30 days. Until now, I've moved at least once a week for the last five months. That's pretty amazing.

I've been in Seattle for 4 days and every day seems like a month. Everything is the same, yet different. Every friend I reconnect with and every place I return to brings in a whole multitude of thoughts and assumptions and feelings. A lot of these are on autopilot and some are true after my absence and some are not and I've only just begun this process.

I'm catching some assumptions and feelings that are no longer valid before they express themselves and discarding them immediately. Some get in for a few moments. Some get in for a few days.

I find that some protective walls want to spring up around perceived threats and I'm gently softening them and allowing them to recede to let the true situation unfold, instead of the scary, made up story of my mind. This is a tender process and at times I'm more successful at it than others.

Truth is, I *am* scared. And that's OK. I can soften my reaction to that and allow it to be, as well. There are a multitude of interrelated events unfolding now that are well beyond my powers of orchestration. These things that I know nothing of will come together and manifest as my livelihood.

I choose to trust the flow of Grace, who cradled me in Her arms as Lakshmi today. She has been with me this entire journey and she is not going to drop me now that I'm back. Having the faith and patience to allow things to unfold without pressing the panic button and trying to force everything to happen at once is my dance at the moment, and it's not easy. It's as mystical and requires as much courage as anything I experienced in India. The temptation to chuck it all for some more mainstream sense of security is strong.

So, the irony is that now I'm in a more stable home, I feel less secure than I've been. Now is when the financial responsibilities restart and they are not small. Oh, how I wish I was independently wealthy and didn't have to face this. Please know with me that I am fully supported by the Universe with Grace and Ease.

Flight to Seattle – 25 February 2009

I left Seattle on 24 October 2008. I’m returning exactly five months later. I originally thought I’d be gone two months. Originally that thought frightened me. Two months seemed like a long time. It seemed scary. *laugh*

I think my biggest learning from this trip is to do what scares me the most. If I fail, I just realize that nothing is different. Life goes on. If I succeed, I realize there is nothing I cannot do. Everything else becomes gravy. It’s the most liberating and freeing experience of my life.

There is a cat who is not happy to be on this flight. I can’t tell if it’s under a nearby seat or in the hold. I can definitely hear it howling and I’m sending it calm, peaceful vibes.

My seatmate is a likeable young fellow who has spent time in Bahrain in the military. He’s retired now and doesn’t feel like military to me. We had a great conversation the first hour or so about the wonderful parts of being in other cultures and meeting the people there.

I almost missed the first leg of my flight, from West Palm Beach to Charlotte. The ticketing area was nearly deserted and they had lovely wicker chairs near power outlets and I sat down and started sending email and chatting on facebook. I went downstairs toward my gate with 45 minutes before my flight, only to find the security line stretching across the entire airport. Where did all those people come from??? I had a lovely conversation with a young man from New York, also about the wonderful parts of being in other cultures and meeting the people there. He said he was getting the benefit of my India trip by osmosis. He said he was trying to teach his 12 year old son about the values of other cultures. The 30 minutes it took to get through security was very pleasant. I knew it would be fine and just let go. I was one of the last people to board the plane and that’s just the way I like it.

I’m very excited to be going home. I think the month on the East Coast was a very good idea and while not easy, it was perfect for transitioning to being back in the West. I can land in Seattle happy to be there instead of desperately yearning to leave.

Everywhere I’ve been so far, I’ve been seeing people and places with new eyes. I’m more connected and more detached at the same time. It’s a much more peaceful way of being than I’ve experienced in the past and I think it will deepen and broaden over time. I’m interested in experiencing Seattle in this way and looking forward to discovering exactly what that entails. I honestly have no expectations for how life is going to unfold, while maintaining a calm certainty that whatever happens will be perfect.

That last sentence is so foreign to who I used to be, that part of me screams, Who am I??? That which I Am just smiles and knows in response. Holy Mother, I like this.

I’ve been able to close my eyes and instantly sink into and merge with the Light and Oneness any time I choose, which is often. It’s lovely. As I was driving around Florida, I appreciated how totally supported I am. I gave up my story of not having much. I had a car to drive, great food, a beautiful home to stay in and a friend who took me diving for the very first time. She had this cute little air compressor in an inner tube called a Brownie and we did what was called hookah diving. It reminded me of those old diver helmets and suits with the attached oxygen hoses, except there was no helmet, the hose was attached to a mouthpiece and we wore regular diving masks. Diving is awesome! It’s a whole different realm, not unlike the realm of meditation. I loved it and will definitely do more. This is not the picture of a life of someone who has nothing.

I thought Florida was going to be the least spiritual of all my stops. Imagine my surprise when I found myself at a Wynne Paris kirtan on my last night there in a very authentic yoga studio with exquisite energy. Wynne is based in DC and tours around the country doing kirtans. I met him in Seattle last summer. He’s releasing a CD soon and it has Krishna Das on it and musicians from Def Leppard and Bruce Hornsby. When I was dancing and whirling and jumping to Hari Krishna, I thought I might just levitate. So much for my preconceived notions. I think I’m finally giving them up. Spirit is Everywhere and in Everyone. No one is served by me thinking otherwise.

There is twenty minutes left in my flight. Joy has been springing up and overflowing at random times today and this is one of them.

God is Real, God is Magnificent, God is Life, God is Love!

16 February 2009 – Virginia.

I’m still in Virginia. It feels like I’ve been here for months, not just over a week. I’m having an amazing time realizing there are communities here I feel just as home in as Seattle and India. That’s new. I’ve been mostly staying with people who don’t have Internet in their homes, so when I do hit the Internet every two or three days, I’m using that time for homework. That’s one reason why I’m behind on my blogging and I’m waaay behind on email.

I had an amazing day at the Satchitananda Ashram – Yogaville in the mountains on Saturday. They were having a free Introduction to Yoga workshop that included meditation at their LOTUS shrine, Hatha yoga postures, pranayama, kirtan and satsang. I kept breaking out in huge smiles in mid chant when I’d realize I was in Virginia chanting in Sanskrit.

Swami Satchitananda and his devotees are the creators of Integral Yoga and I wanted to go for two reasons. One, I wanted to immerse myself in the ashram/yoga space and kirtan. I was exhausted from driving one to three hours every day and reconnecting with friends and family, including a 79 year old aunt I’ve not had a particularly strong connection with before. Virginia is not a walkable place and I was quite depleted while getting virtually no physical activity. I knew immersing myself in the ashram would be rejuvenating and it was.

Two, I wanted to see what distinguished Integral Yoga from the forms of yoga I’ve been introduced to. I don’t see a lot of difference. They do slightly different mudras for the pranayama and place the pranayama at a precise place in the practice, but overall it seems to me to be Sivananda yoga. They also have a very specific way of doing yoga nidra, but again, fundamentally it’s not much different.

The ashram is mellow and very isolated, in the Blue Ridge Mountains along the James River. The energy there is very gentle and sweet. LOTUS stands for Light Of Truth Universal Shrine and was built in the mid 80’s to honour all faiths, including atheism, music and science and faiths not yet discovered. There are many icons for each faith represented and the building is shaped like a giant lotus flower. In the upper level meditation chamber, there are individual shrines around the outside wall with neon light beams going to the ceiling and a central light beam going to the ceiling where they all meet. It’s quite lovely. There is a miniature Mt. Kailash with an enormous Nataraja where they do daily pujas. Finally, there is Chidambaram, the mahasamadi shrine of Sri Satchitananda. I’m considering spending 2 – 3 days there this week, if something else doesn’t present itself. It’s nice to be immersed in a yogic routine and they have a nice library and satellite Internet.

After the workshop at the ashram, I spent the night with a Landmark friend and went to Charlottesville Unity church on Sunday, where they sang a couple of songs we sing at CSL. My heart burst open while I was singing and the tears started tracing lines down my cheeks. I was beaming and swaying and singing. After the service, while I was being introduced to one of the ministers, one of the backup singers on the stage came over to me and told me he could feel my energy up there and it totally grabbed his attention and he looked over to see me smiling and singing with raised hands. I LOVE hearing that it’s tangible.

After the Tuesday night Landmark seminar in Charlottesville, I sat up chatting with my hosts, dear friends I met doing Landmark work, and their 15 year old son. Their son is an amazingly aware and conscious 15 year old. He wasn’t at the Charlottesville seminar, but would be going to the Richmond seminar Thursday night. I was sharing stories about India and my cosmology and about what being a Tantrika means to me. I shared about loving having a body and not wanting to transcend or turn my back on this realm of existence, but to bring full consciousness and awareness back and live fully while here. He asked for clarification on renunciation, I don’t think there are many renunciants in the Charlottesville skater community, and we talked about what that was. He seemed mildly agitated, told me it was nice meeting me and went to bed.

At Landmark seminars, people get up and share what’s coming up for them in their lives. At the beginning of the seminar on Thursday night, my friends’ son got up and shared that he was incredibly inspired by my sharing about being fully engaged in life in this body, in this realm and it had fueled a brightness and energy in his next two days. I was extremely touched. My stories of being invisible and not making a difference are truly dead. It’s so gratifying to me to hear that I’ve touched someone by simply being me. That he shared that with the entire seminar, whoa.

I’m ready to move on and I can’t for another 5 days. I’m a bit agitated by this. I plan to use the time to rest and recharge, but I don’t know where I’m going to stay each night and that’s getting old. Next up is four days in Florida at my sister’s, then home to Seattle. I’m getting excited about being home again. Five months is a long time.

The Journey Continues

I'm going to continue updating this blog. I have so very much to say and I'm definitely not finished with my journey! I'm not sure what the new title will evolve to, but it's definitely going beyond India and beyond 2008.

I'm feeling so very blessed right now. I'm in a warm, toasty, homey apartment that is filled with love and cats. I want for nothing. I'm reclined on a gorgeous, comfy new couch with my laptop on my lap. Good music is wafting down the hallway from Kevin's room. The aroma of fine coffee fills the air from the kitchen. Snow is forecast. Amy will be home soon. It's so good to see her settled in somewhere where she can thrive and flourish.

I've just been pricing bus tickets (with free WIFI!) to DC to see a dear friend. She has offered me crash space for however long I want it, a ride to Richmond (where I'm headed next) this weekend, if I want, or I can stay alone in her condo while she's gone, if I'd like.

I've also been pricing plane tickets from Florida to Seattle at the end of the month. They're so cheap, it doesn't make sense to burn a frequent flier ticket, so I'll still have one in the bank for when I need it.

My homework is so much fun I can hardly contain myself. People are reaching out from Seattle and telling me how much they miss me and how much they're looking forward to my return.

I'm so very grateful that I can relax and recognize all the gifts that are showing up in my life. I'm so very grateful that I've done the work to put me in a position to receive all these gifts in my life. I'm so very grateful to recognize that there really isn't any work to be done at all. Now is the time to be open to the flow of Grace and receive. Lastly, I'm so very grateful for gratitude itself, because without it, none of this means anything at all and it would be a real shame to miss this.

Oh, Yeah. I'm Back!

Whew, there have been times over the last week when I thought I might not make it back this time. The darkness and despair was quite intense. I've got to say, it's really nice to be back :) Re-entry is a bitch. Two kirtans and a satsang in two days plus an awesome service at the Sacred Center of NY this morning has brought me back into the Light. I wept at the homecoming between me and New Thought.

There is one seemingly core concept of what I'd been studying in Tiruvannamalai that was going against what I believe about how the Universe works, and it had gotten skewed out of proportion for me. I got in a big way today that it's just more dogma. Screw dogma. I don't have to believe anything. Or, conversely, I can believe any bloody thing I want.

I am THAT. Being THAT, I can manifest or create ANYTHING I WANT in my life. To say that there is no "me", so there are no decisions that "I" can make is just Ballocks! OK, if people want to tread that path, it's totally fine with me, but it's not my path. I don't choose to give up choice any more than I choose to give up being in my body experiencing life in this realm. I AM AWAKE, AWARE, AND AT CHOICE. I CHOOSE CHOICE.

To say that I'm not "enlightened" because I believe in choice is, again, Ballocks! If that's enlightenment, I don't want any part of it, thankyouverymuch. Man, I really had myself twisted in a knot over this. Bloody Hell, how I get myself worked up about these things.

I got in a very strong way in church this morning that my dharma is to embrace the power of "and" in spirituality as I do in other parts of my life. I had to giggle, it's a theme in my life. I can live the Truth as I see it, drawing from all traditions.

This despair I've been feeling, it's a gift. It's part of God's riches. It's cleaning me out for something sublime. I've been allowing it, but reluctantly. Now, I'm allowing it wholeheartedly. I finally see that my teachers are right. There is no "wrong" way to feel. I really can't screw this up.

The Guest House - Rumi

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Halleluiah and AMEN! And SO IT IS!

Happy Birthday Amy!

It's my darling daughter's 27th birthday today. I'm glad I worked things out so that I could be here in New York to celebrate it with her. Other than that, it's extremely hard for me to be here. I'm having intense India withdrawal symptoms. To make matters worse, I have yet another case of Delhi Belly. It's the fifth time in four months.

I'm very sad. I miss the deep conversations that filled every day in India. I miss the connections between strangers on the street. I miss the heat! It feels like we've lost our way here in the West. I know there truly is nowhere to go and nothing to do, and that what I seek is inside me. Yet, context does apparently make a difference. I'm finding this Western context very, very difficult.

Home Again, Home Again, Lickety Split

Well, not exactly home, but back in the states. And just like that, the trip is over. Except, it will never be over. It's part of me. It's great seeing my daughter. I miss India, though. New York seems so clean and quiet and orderly.

I'm surrounded by cats, 5 to be exact. It's heaven!

I'm drinking red wine and tulsi ginger tea at the same time. Why not?

I'm about to get my wii fit age revealed to me. This should be interesting. Amy is doing wii hula hoop. The surreal, it continues.

Snow in Seoul!

What a gift! I was disembarking the plane when I noticed a white frosty substance on the threshold. I thought it was frost from being up so high. I scuffed it up with my sandal, and lo and behold, it was snow! I LOVE SNOW! I'm so happy :)

I'm also not dressed for this climate. I have thin cottons on, sandals and no socks. I have no other shoes and my only pair of socks went missing at Amma's ashram. Perhaps they're hanging out with Kate's black bra that also went missing.

I'm exhausted, cranky, achy and in a bit of culture shock. I've been traveling 28 hours so far and I have 26 left to go. I've had about 4 hours of sleep in the last two days. Customs just stole the two beers I bought in duty free and searched my entire backpack and x-rayed it 3 times. On top of this, I just found out I would have had a free hotel room for my 12 hour layover if my travel agent had only arranged it. I'm a bit bummed out by that. There's a great hotel here onsite at the airport, and I plan to use it, but it would have been great if it were free.

The whole airport has twinkly, glittery Winter and Christmas decorations everywhere. I just came out of the jungle and virtually had no Christmas sensory queues. With the decorations and the snow, I feel like I just went through a time warp. It's a bit bewildering as I look down at my tanned toes.

The Internet is free here and my laptop works on it when I snag one of their cables. My browser is trying to talk to me in Korean, though, and I'm not understanding much of what it says. Good thing I know where on the screen to click to get to my signons. OMG I just discovered they have free wifi here. I can't quite sort it out at the moment, so I'll just use the cable and let my battery charge up for a bit. I have TONS of homework that requires online reading and reviewing of sites and it just hasn't been possible the last 4 days.

Holy Mother I'm exhausted! 11 more hours until boarding. I need a hot shower and a LONG nap. I'm grumpy. I miss my friends back in Seattle. I miss my family. I already miss my friends in India. I need a hug. A three day hug.

On the upside, I see my daughter in 26 hours!!! w00t!!!

Ch Ch Ch Changes... 20 January 2009

As the US prepares to inaugurate President Barack Obama, the energy of hope and possibility is tangible here to me in India. I can feel it. Hope is a powerful agent for change. Without seeing a possibility, there is no room to allow it to show up.

I'm here in Tiru for 4 more days, then I fly to Delhi to fly to New York. I have 5 days left in India. My 4 month tour is drawing to a close. I have so many intense emotions surfacing around this impending change and I don't have words for most of them. Happiness, Gratitude, Joy, Anticipation, Sadness, Curiosity, Faith, these are just a few of what's bubbling up.

I've changed so much on this trip. Everyone and everything has. That's the nature of life, this flowing river of Now.

I've made dear friends here, life long heart connections that will endure time and distance. I've met myself as well. As the coming days unfold, I'll surely continue to do the same. Oh River, teach me how to flow!

Back in Tiru - 19 January 2009

Been back in Tiruvannamalai for 5 days now. It feels good to be home. Transitioning to the next phase of my trip, which will find me in New York city in less than a week! Oh my. Lots going on inside me around this. Not many words for it.

I love my home here. It truly is home. I'll be back.

Kanyakumari – 13 January, 2009

Arrived in Kanyakumari just at sunset for the most glorious shades of red and orange I’ve ever seen. This place is wild. It reminds me of the gauntlet we run on our way to the main ghat in Varanasi to watch the aarti, just bigger. It’s like a carnival.

I got a Reiki 1st Degree attunement the day before yesterday, so now I can practice. I’ve been wanting to do that for a while, since before I left Seattle and three days ago, a perfect opportunity presented itself. Yesterday, I felt restless and had a strong urge to leave Varkala, like my time there was done. I had an appointment for three root canals this afternoon, followed by three crowns in about a week, so I thought perhaps I was supposed to stay there for the rest of my trip. The dental work felt right at first and then I got a No this morning when I asked my body, so I canceled and packed my things. I’ve been wanting to come to Kanyakumari, so here I am.

I’ll watch the sunrise over the convergence of the Bay of Bengal, Indian Ocean and Arabian Sea, visit a temple or three, visit the Vivekananda ashram, eat a bite of breakfast (they have kitchadi on the menu! w00t!) and then hop a train for parts north.

I’m done waiting for the textbook. If it’s not there tomorrow, I’m off to Tiruvannamalai or Pondicherry or the Golden City with Jordi. It’s time to move.

Tonight, I’m in the filthiest room yet. I don’t think the sheets have ever been washed. I’m sleeping in my sleepsack on top of the bedspread. At least that looks fairly clean. I’ve got a shirt over the bedspread where the pillow is so I don’t have any skin touching it. The sink doesn’t look like it’s been washed in months. The air is pretty dead in here; dusty. It’s only for one night, so it’s not a big deal, and it’s cheap. I don’t think I’ll have any trouble getting up at 5:30am to wander around before sunrise. I think I’ll gladly leave :)

I can see a beautiful offshore stone memorial to Swami Vivekananda from the roof. I want to check it out in the morning. I also want to see the Devi Kumari temple and the Vivekananda Ashram. The train leaves at 10am. Hopefully when I phone the ashram on my way up the coast, my book will be there. If not, I’ll ask the university to resend it to my daughter’s in NY. Two weeks is more than enough time to wait. Class is in session, I need the book.

Varkala - 8 January 2009

I’ve moved from the cliff above the beach to well, I’m not sure where. I’m on a road, as opposed to the numerous dirt tracks that crisscross this place. It’s very quiet, all I can hear are crickets and the rare rickshaw or motorbike. I’m a 15 or 20 minute walk to the beach below the cliff, depending on my route and how many times I get lost, or a 5 minute walk to the Black Beach, which is a tiny slice of beach with black sand north of the cliff/strip and is pretty much non commercial. I’ve been in and out eight or nine times and can’t find the same route to the cliff and back twice. This place is *definitely* not on a grid and there are many blind dead end paths. Today, walking along a dirt path under coconut palms, lost, I realized I live here, in the jungle. Truly. It’s a nice realization.

It’s been healing for me to be here. It’s an uncanny combination of past and present and bodes well for my future. I often feel totally disconnected from various past segments of my life. They are so vastly different from each other and there feels like there’s no continuity nor any going back. Living here, in a place that feels so much like Myrtle Beach, where I have the best memories of my married life, raising my children and spending quality time as a family, yet still being in India, is allowing me integrate my past with my present and shows me possibilities of living fully integrated with all things I love.

Tonight, I sat in the surf, on the sand, and chanted a mala of Gayatri mantra as the sun sunk in and out of clouds and finally into the sea in a dazzling display of red. It so reminded me of sitting in my reclining lawn chair in the surf, like I did countless times at Myrtle Beach, moving back when the incoming tide knocked the chair over. Tonight, I moved back when the breakers ganged up on me. The beach is such that mostly the waves break twice, once out deep and then again around knee depth, again, like Myrtle Beach. Then there were the sneaky ones that broke a third time, right on me and spun me around and knocked me over. And then there were the even sneakier ones that came around from the back and tried to drag me out to sea, with me giggling, of course. I think it’s one of life’s greatest pleasures to sit in the surf and another of life’s greatest pleasures to chant Gayatri to the sunrise or sunset. To combine them is beyond exquisite. I didn’t even care that sand was going just everywhere. There was a 4 year old boy playing naked in the surf beside me and I recognized we were the same: totally free and joy filled :)

There is constant music in the open air restaurants along the cliff. Last night, dinner was accompanied by a live classical Indian music concert. Tonight was blues night at the same restaurant. I dined to Tracey Chapman at a different restaurant, listening to a CD that we listened to over and over on our drive down to Florida in 1990 for a girls and kids only trip. That was the first chink in the wall of my self-made prison. I remember when my best friend at the time, Tammy, first mentioned the possibility of us taking the kids to Florida for a week without our husbands. My first thought was, He’ll never allow me to go. Tammy is nothing if not persistent and she talked about it enough for me to get my nerve up to bring it up to my husband. Over time, with her urging, he warmed up to the idea. I remember standing on the Cocoa Beach one night, looking up at the stars and kicking the surf with my feet, singing Elton John’s Can You Feel The Love Tonight from The Lion King, looking up at the stars and marveling at the fact that I was in Florida on my own. That little slice of freedom was so sweet!

And tonight, I’m writing this in India. On my own. Totally free. I just got in at 1:10am after having a beer with Susan, the proprietor, and some of the guests of The Bohemian Masala, a brand new resort with authentic tribal huts and many other sweet features, including hammocks and a restaurant with a fire pit. There is great feminine energy there and Susan reminds me of a VooDoo priestess.

I was restless in my room around 11:30 and wandered over there. I went under the thatched roof area and asked if there was any beer left and Susan said, Oh, it’s you! I walk through there sometimes looking for the beach and the cliff and we had a nice chat the other day. It’s nice to be memorable :)

My last traveling companion moved on yesterday. This is the first time I’ve been alone since mid December, almost a month. I loved traveling with her and hanging out here at the beach. We share a similar history. We were both street smart kids, hanging out in drug and alcohol circles in our early teens, had unsatisfactory marriages, raised kids, found our spiritual paths and found ourselves with bunks next to each other in a dorm with 34 other women at Amma’s ashram. I love how the Universe keeps delivering very special people to me at just the right time. Talking with her here has also helped me integrate those various parts of my life. That said, I’m relishing my alone time. I like having the light on in the room at 1:30am, typing on my computer without disturbing anyone. It feels good to be alone.

Class started today. It’s Multimedia for Web Design this term, the last class I need to get my certificate. The final is to tell a story using Flash, creating the art, audio and video ourselves. I’m certain it will be an India story, but I don’t know which one just yet. I love graphics and audio and video. This is going to be so much fun!

Being here and doing Western type things is helping me adjust to the transition of this journey into the next phase in the West. I’m cultivating my tan, shopping, listening to good music, dining on good food, sipping cocktails and listening to the waves crash on the shore. I’m watching episodes of Gray’s Anatomy on my computer late at night. I’m playing with photos and designing banners and updating websites during the day. I’m doing headstands and yoga and meditating on the beach. It’s hot and sunny every day and I can wear a bathing suit and camisole tops. I looked at a picture I took of myself the night before I left Seattle and then looked in the mirror and the difference is striking. My whole face and head has changed shape. My forearms, wrists and hands haven’t felt like this since my early twenties. I’m shifting into a place of looking forward to going home. I was definitely not ready at the end of December, so I’m glad I extended the trip a month. Varkala is such a nice surprise, I had no idea it would be like this when I decided to come here.

Varkala - 5 January 2009

How did it get to be 5 January already? It’s just after midnight and I can’t sleep, so I’m out on the front porch listening to the waves crash on the shore and typing this blog entry so I don’t wake up my roommate. The moon is waxing and golden and casting a beautiful golden path of light on the sea. The guys in the restaurant next door are cleaning up and shouting to each other. Sleeping here is a challenge.

I had the best fish ever tonight, barracuda. First time tasting that and it’s exquisite. It’s nice having one of the best kitchens in town five steps from my front door.

I’m in very weird head and spiritual space here. Varkala is a strange mixture of India and the West and a mixture of my past and present. It feels like the Myrtle Beach of India. I’m so thrilled to be here and so comfortable, yet very restless and unsettled. I’m having difficulty integrating it. I sense a trend here, I get unsettled when I’m not doing something “productive”. I think it’s time to shift my definition of productive. Rest and relaxation and nurturing myself is definitely productive. I deserve this, I’ve been working hard, yet I’m finding it hard to let it in.

All indications are that I’m supposed to be chilling out here and recharging my batteries. I don’t know how long I’ll be here or where I’m going next. Not knowing is pressing my buttons. All three months of this trip have been grueling in many ways and it feels very odd to be comfortable and have everything I need and a beach and an ocean clean enough to swim in, which are two of my favourite things, just steps away. Yet, there is major discomfort that I can’t pinpoint the source of. I think part of it is just how expensive it is to stay here.

I have a parcel that is supposed to be enroute to Amma’s ashram that I need for my new school term that starts 7 January. It hasn’t arrived yet and I have no idea when it will get here. Trying to get information out of my university is an exercise in futility, so I’ll stick around, phoning the ashram every day until it shows up or until I give up on it. They ship overnight in the US and the book usually arrives the day before class starts. I have no idea what the process is for overseas shipments. All I know is that my advisor confirms that they have the proper address. I had arranged to use Amrita University’s Internet connection for my class this term, but since I left the ashram, that’s not possible. I’m not sure how I’m going to do this, I may have to do the alternate assignment each week until I return to the states. There is no Internet café here that’s open at 6:30am on Tuesday mornings. I just looked at a calendar and found I’m only going to miss two classes, so that’s no big deal. Nice.

It’s expensive here, but not as expensive as living in Seattle. It’s about midway in between typical India prices and Seattle prices. Most of the time I don’t even feel like I’m in India here. Until I try to sleep on the hard mattress and pillow, that is :) Just now, I heard a kitten crying and started tilting my laptop screen around to shed light and see if I could find it and found there is a dog curled up on my welcome mat about two feet behind me. Yes, it’s still India :)

My room is very nice and so is my traveling companion and roommate, but I prefer living alone. She’s moving on day after tomorrow, so there’s just the rest of this night and the next. It’s been great sharing the rent, I don’t think I could have stayed otherwise. We got here at the peak of the year. This has been a trend, first Tiru, then Amritapuri, now Varkala; each at their peak. Things were booked up solid until after the 5th and prices will start dropping then, whew. I think I’ll be able to find an affordable room when she leaves.

We looked for hours for a room when we got here and the few that were available were outrageously expensive. US price expensive. I was getting extremely frustrated and was ready to hail a taxi and continue onward to Kanukamari, the southernmost tip of India. It was hot, around 98 ° F, and we were lugging our luggage up and down the strip and down narrow dirt tracks at midday. The four of us ate lunch, then left one of us with the luggage while one of us stashed their luggage at a storage hut and headed to the beach. Kate and I were searching for rooms, walking up the strip, and all of a sudden, I heard UB40’s Red Red Wine playing on the stereo at a patio restaurant beside us. An intense wave of peace and joy flooded over me. For some reason, that song has always moved my soul and I have very special memories of it. I stopped, looked down at the beach and ocean, then looked up at the palm trees, deep blue sky and blazing sun. At that moment, I knew everything was totally perfect. I started singing and dancing; spinning around and around as I walked. People all around me started smiling and laughing and wishing me a Happy New Year and were reaching out to shake my hand.

Just beyond the restaurant was a dirt track and at the end of it I could see a room with floor to ceiling windows. The drapes were open and I could see clean linens stacked at the foot of the beds. I could tell the room was empty. I started down the track while continuing to sing and spin and dance. Kate looked bewildered, but smiled and followed me. We got to the room and she asked if it was my room. I told her it was a room, but I didn’t know who’s just yet, and smiled. We looked and couldn’t find the owner. The tailor next door said he was gone and to come back later. We went back to the strip and the shopkeeper on the other side of the dirt track said to wait, and he went to get the owner. We negotiated a better price than for some of the rooms we saw way off of the track, around the third row back from the cliff. This room has floor to ceiling windows on two sides and is large with a very nice attached bath. A woman came to enquire about booking it less than a minute after we negotiated the deal. Three of us shared it the first night, then one moved on.

After we checked in, Kate told the others that she didn’t know what was going on, but could tell I was “riding something” and she decided to come along for the ride. It was truly magical the way it just came to me that I was totally supported. I went from being totally frustrated and at my limit to joyous in the blink of an eye. I just knew. I love that I recognized it and went with it and didn’t question it or try to dissect it. I just trusted. And so it was.

I know a lot of what I post sounds like I’m living in the lap of luxury. While this trip truly is an exquisite experience, what I’m not sure is coming across is the excruciating exhaustion that comes from being in a land of such extremes. It’s not easy being here. I have given up so much, so many layers of physical and emotional comforts. Everyone wants something from me, they consider me the rich Westerner. I have to work so hard to get my basic needs met. By their standards, I am rich. But in reality, I have next to nothing, other than what’s in my suitcase, and no steady source of income. I’m far away from family and loved friends with extremely limited resources. I’m not complaining, just trying to paint an accurate, balanced picture. The benefits of this trip are beyond measure, but they haven’t come without a price.

Varkala - 3 January 2009

In Varkala now. I did my 3rd polar bear plunge New Year's Day in the Arabian Sea in 75 degree water. I think it still counts. It' was New Year's Day, wasn't it?

It's so lovely here, just what my soul needed. I'm been blessed with yet another wonderful traveling companion. I'm so glad my path is not renunciation, I love this world! Being in the flow of Grace is quite awesome. Right now, I'm sitting at the top of a cliff over the sea. I can hear the waves. There are shops all along the top of the cliff with twinkly lights woven in the trees. There is music and bright, bold colours everywhere. It's pure heaven!

The weather is in the upper 90's and sunny every day. The sea is green and blue and the waves are perfect for body surfing. All Indian dress code restrictions are lifted and Western women here wear bikinis and shorts and camisole tops. I have sunburn on my shoulders and thighs!

There is a cliff-top strip of shopping and dining in thatched roofed restaurants. The fish is caught daily and laid out for diners to select from. The grilled marlin is exquisite! I've also had the best naan here I've ever eaten.

Yesterday, I ran into a woman and her friend that I originally met in Tiru, the one with the Seattle and poly community ties. I played frisbee and hung out on the beach today with a lesbian couple that recognized me from Amma's ashram. Both stopped by our table tonight at dinner to chat. It's amazing, I've been in town less than three days and have friends here.

This trip just keeps unfolding and evolving in such inspiring and enlightening and nourishing ways. I am so blessed to be able to experience it and also share it with people as I go.