I thought I had reintegrated, but oh no. Not yet. I'm having a hard time figuring out what the point of living in Seattle is. I love Seattle. I love my friends here. It's not enough. Why is that???
The more people I reconnect with, the emptier I feel. This was one of the things I was apprehensive about before leaving, this not being happy anywhere after I returned. I don't know who I am. I don't know what I want. Why go through the effort of making a life here if I don't want to live here?
I have the love of some very dear people. If that doesn't do it for me, what will??? I have lots of questions and no answers. Things that used to be my method of grounding simply don't have the same effect on me now. I feel lost and really don't see the point.
I sense that this cleaning out is for my Good. It will allow what's next to appear and have the space to Be. I can't say it's pleasant though. Far from it. Perhaps this is my 40 days in the desert. I do know that it feels quite desolate.
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