Oh, Yeah. I'm Back!

Whew, there have been times over the last week when I thought I might not make it back this time. The darkness and despair was quite intense. I've got to say, it's really nice to be back :) Re-entry is a bitch. Two kirtans and a satsang in two days plus an awesome service at the Sacred Center of NY this morning has brought me back into the Light. I wept at the homecoming between me and New Thought.

There is one seemingly core concept of what I'd been studying in Tiruvannamalai that was going against what I believe about how the Universe works, and it had gotten skewed out of proportion for me. I got in a big way today that it's just more dogma. Screw dogma. I don't have to believe anything. Or, conversely, I can believe any bloody thing I want.

I am THAT. Being THAT, I can manifest or create ANYTHING I WANT in my life. To say that there is no "me", so there are no decisions that "I" can make is just Ballocks! OK, if people want to tread that path, it's totally fine with me, but it's not my path. I don't choose to give up choice any more than I choose to give up being in my body experiencing life in this realm. I AM AWAKE, AWARE, AND AT CHOICE. I CHOOSE CHOICE.

To say that I'm not "enlightened" because I believe in choice is, again, Ballocks! If that's enlightenment, I don't want any part of it, thankyouverymuch. Man, I really had myself twisted in a knot over this. Bloody Hell, how I get myself worked up about these things.

I got in a very strong way in church this morning that my dharma is to embrace the power of "and" in spirituality as I do in other parts of my life. I had to giggle, it's a theme in my life. I can live the Truth as I see it, drawing from all traditions.

This despair I've been feeling, it's a gift. It's part of God's riches. It's cleaning me out for something sublime. I've been allowing it, but reluctantly. Now, I'm allowing it wholeheartedly. I finally see that my teachers are right. There is no "wrong" way to feel. I really can't screw this up.

The Guest House - Rumi

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Halleluiah and AMEN! And SO IT IS!