Home. 2 March 2009

I've moved into a home that is mine for at least 30 days. Until now, I've moved at least once a week for the last five months. That's pretty amazing.

I've been in Seattle for 4 days and every day seems like a month. Everything is the same, yet different. Every friend I reconnect with and every place I return to brings in a whole multitude of thoughts and assumptions and feelings. A lot of these are on autopilot and some are true after my absence and some are not and I've only just begun this process.

I'm catching some assumptions and feelings that are no longer valid before they express themselves and discarding them immediately. Some get in for a few moments. Some get in for a few days.

I find that some protective walls want to spring up around perceived threats and I'm gently softening them and allowing them to recede to let the true situation unfold, instead of the scary, made up story of my mind. This is a tender process and at times I'm more successful at it than others.

Truth is, I *am* scared. And that's OK. I can soften my reaction to that and allow it to be, as well. There are a multitude of interrelated events unfolding now that are well beyond my powers of orchestration. These things that I know nothing of will come together and manifest as my livelihood.

I choose to trust the flow of Grace, who cradled me in Her arms as Lakshmi today. She has been with me this entire journey and she is not going to drop me now that I'm back. Having the faith and patience to allow things to unfold without pressing the panic button and trying to force everything to happen at once is my dance at the moment, and it's not easy. It's as mystical and requires as much courage as anything I experienced in India. The temptation to chuck it all for some more mainstream sense of security is strong.

So, the irony is that now I'm in a more stable home, I feel less secure than I've been. Now is when the financial responsibilities restart and they are not small. Oh, how I wish I was independently wealthy and didn't have to face this. Please know with me that I am fully supported by the Universe with Grace and Ease.