Impermanence and Restlessness

November 5, 2008 (Written before the election results were in from the US.)

Nothing has convinced me more of the impermanence of thoughts and feelings than writing journal entries offline for posting later. By the time I get to the Internet to post them, they feel irrelevant. When I’m in the midst of them, they seem so huge and permanent. I’m resisting the urge to not post them, because they will act as a trail of breadcrumbs on my spiritual journey. If for no other reason, they are important for that.

I’m struggling today. I don’t know why I’m here. It feels like taking the time to write is taking time away from living. But, I lived the first five weeks of this trip without writing much and it feels like it has evaporated without a trace. At least writing leaves a trace. I suspect, like most things, there is a balance to be found.

I just extended my stay here two more days. That will take me to six days. I think I need to start booking reservations to Dharamsala if I’m going. Two weeks ago it was already cold there. I don’t have much in the way of cold weather gear, just a long sleeved chambray shirt, a windbreaker and some cotton sweat pants. I suppose I can layer three or four shirts under them for warmth. I have an abundance of scarves to wrap around this shorn head of mine.

I’m restless. I don’t know why I’m here. I’m just now getting to a place where I can entertain the thought of listening to my Kundalini Yoga sessions. That whole experience is the topic for another post, but let’s just say I got in my own way and leave it at that for now. If I delve into them, it’s going to take a lot of time. There are ten sessions of at least an hour, and some went almost two hours. There’s the stopping and taking notes that I didn’t have time to do while the sessions were going on and then there’s the actual practices. This is going to take a long time. Besides, do I really want to awaken the Kundalini energy when I’m traveling alone? I think that’s what’s holding me back the most.

I don’t know if I’m supposed to do all that here or somewhere else. I don’t know if I’m supposed to circumambulate Mt. Aranachula on the full moon or not. I don’t know if I’m supposed to meet friends in Amritsar or go alone to Dharamsala. I’m even wavering on Ammachi’s ashram, Amitapuri, in December. I vacillate between thinking I need to stay in one place so I can go deep and thinking I should make use of this time to see as many places and facets of the culture here that I can. I realize this is one of the ebb days, where I’m still gathering energy for the next surge. I’m trying to be patient with myself and this process. I haven’t seen Swamiji for two days, so I’m going there to spend some time in the forest with him today while he hangs his door. If I can transfer the Kundalini sessions to my voice recorder, I can listen and take notes and practice some of the asanas and pranayamas. I didn’t swim in Ganga Ma yesterday and I feel the need strongly. If I leave here, I leave her and that thought makes me sad.

Had a nice meditation after my mala of Gayatri on the ghat this morning. God told me I would always be supported and I looked down and saw a rupee coin half buried in the sand under the water. I smiled and fished it out of the river and put it in my pocket. I feel so greedy, even with all these tangible demonstrations, I want more. It’s like I’m never satisfied and it’s never enough. I’d love to fill the void that is always wanting more evidence. I think that’s what I was looking for out of this trip and it’s not happening. I think that’s the cause of my restlessness. So much for the cycle of doubt being over. *sigh*.

This all stems from a scarcity consciousness. I know how to treat for that. I don’t want to skip over the feeling it part though, because I think it carries my humanity within it. Immediately skipping to the treating stage sometimes feels like transcending the experience of being alive, which I’ve already decided I don’t want to do. So I’ll feel the restlessness and bring love to the one who feels it.