Moving Again and Random Update-y Thoughts

As I refine what I'm looking for here in Seattle, I'm preparing to move yet again. This time to a "mini-ashram", a house of an acquaintance whom I've always felt drawn to. She's well steeped in Eastern mysticism and her house looks and feels like a pocket of India. I think living immersed in that energy will go a long way toward evening out the peaks and valleys I've been experiencing lately.

I'm writing this at 2:30am, sitting cross-legged on a pallet I just made on the floor. I seem to be on India time lately and not sleeping at night. I was tossing and turning and had a sudden craving to sleep on the floor tonight. It feels better down here, for some reason.

There's no denying there have been fundamental changes in me since my journey. The layers upon layers of minutiae that are necessary to function in the West are piling on and my soul is crying out when it gets too smothered. Being open to the balancing act and ebb and flow is quite an interesting journey in itself.

I'm noticing deep changes in the way I move within groups of people in social situations. Situations that previously would have had me in my head, engaged in internal dialog around fitting in, are now effortless and fun and I'm totally relaxed and confident. I perceive no risk whatsoever, when before I would have been very constrained. It's fascinating to observe and quite gratifying.

I'm feeling totally in the flow again and have manifested my desires powerfully over the last few days. It's good to note that Tiruvannamalai isn't the only place where I can do that. Work projects are flowing to me and I'm feeling confident and capable. I sense that my plans to return to India for longer periods of time are sound and will happen. I also foresee adventures in various places in North, Central and South America as well as Europe.

I got a valuable lesson in manifestation last week. When fear is what I'm focusing on, that is what is manifested. The Universe is impartial, it doesn't give a rip what we ask for, it just delivers. I dished up a heaping helping of fear and misery last week and thankfully, with the support of highly conscious friends, turned it around quickly. Good lesson, that was.

I see a new paradigm forming in the new economy and I like it. I see people engaging in practices that feed them, while simultaneously teaching others how to do it and getting paid for it. That's a win/win if I ever saw one and that's the model that my business endeavours in healing and teaching will follow.

Speaking of which, I'm getting lots of clarity on expanding into healing and teaching. A big part of that will be writing at least one book, perhaps more. I love the web development and it will pay the bills while I expand into the other areas. In all aspects of my livelihood, I wish to be of service to all beings in all realms. I'm receiving feedback from people around the globe about being a positive influence in their lives and it's the first time I've seen and embraced this side of myself. I'm great at being a student, but it's just one part of me and embracing both student and teaching selves feels more balanced.

I feel like what's going on with the economy is just an outward reflection of what's going on inside me and with my life. The things that aren't sustainable are falling away and allowing space for new, collaborative things to be created. It's an exciting time to be alive!

Icons

I think I've figured out the purpose of icons, at least for me. A few days ago, when I was feeling out of sorts, I decided to hang my goddess wall hangings I picked up in India in my bedroom. I now have Saraswati hanging over my computer table and Kali Ma hanging over my headboard. As an aside, in the two nights since Kali Ma has been presiding over my headboard, I've had very vivid dreams. Since I asked for guidance, I think this is interesting and not coincidental at all.

Back to the icons, it is a completely different experience being in this room for me, now. They literally bring the room to life. In addition to them being breathtakingly beautiful works of art, they focus my attention on the Divine. I know that everything is Divine all the time, but having a visual representation really brings it to the forefront of my attention.

A space doesn't magically change into Divine space when one hangs up a picture of a goddess and I'm not actually worshiping the goddess. It's simply a pointer, a visual cue to remind me. It's an extremely powerful one and shifts my attention to what's already there, all the time. I can even say it acts as a portal for me. It brings my energetics out of the subtle into the material. It also acts as a mirror. I see myself in the intricacies of the colours and shapes.

They come alive when I contemplate them and I can feel shifts in my gross and subtle energies. The space inside of me expands to include the entire Universe. They are my chariots. May I always be surrounded by such lovely and loving vehicles.

Integration, Round Three - 10 March 2009

I thought I had reintegrated, but oh no. Not yet. I'm having a hard time figuring out what the point of living in Seattle is. I love Seattle. I love my friends here. It's not enough. Why is that???

The more people I reconnect with, the emptier I feel. This was one of the things I was apprehensive about before leaving, this not being happy anywhere after I returned. I don't know who I am. I don't know what I want. Why go through the effort of making a life here if I don't want to live here?

I have the love of some very dear people. If that doesn't do it for me, what will??? I have lots of questions and no answers. Things that used to be my method of grounding simply don't have the same effect on me now. I feel lost and really don't see the point.

I sense that this cleaning out is for my Good. It will allow what's next to appear and have the space to Be. I can't say it's pleasant though. Far from it. Perhaps this is my 40 days in the desert. I do know that it feels quite desolate.

Home. 2 March 2009

I've moved into a home that is mine for at least 30 days. Until now, I've moved at least once a week for the last five months. That's pretty amazing.

I've been in Seattle for 4 days and every day seems like a month. Everything is the same, yet different. Every friend I reconnect with and every place I return to brings in a whole multitude of thoughts and assumptions and feelings. A lot of these are on autopilot and some are true after my absence and some are not and I've only just begun this process.

I'm catching some assumptions and feelings that are no longer valid before they express themselves and discarding them immediately. Some get in for a few moments. Some get in for a few days.

I find that some protective walls want to spring up around perceived threats and I'm gently softening them and allowing them to recede to let the true situation unfold, instead of the scary, made up story of my mind. This is a tender process and at times I'm more successful at it than others.

Truth is, I *am* scared. And that's OK. I can soften my reaction to that and allow it to be, as well. There are a multitude of interrelated events unfolding now that are well beyond my powers of orchestration. These things that I know nothing of will come together and manifest as my livelihood.

I choose to trust the flow of Grace, who cradled me in Her arms as Lakshmi today. She has been with me this entire journey and she is not going to drop me now that I'm back. Having the faith and patience to allow things to unfold without pressing the panic button and trying to force everything to happen at once is my dance at the moment, and it's not easy. It's as mystical and requires as much courage as anything I experienced in India. The temptation to chuck it all for some more mainstream sense of security is strong.

So, the irony is that now I'm in a more stable home, I feel less secure than I've been. Now is when the financial responsibilities restart and they are not small. Oh, how I wish I was independently wealthy and didn't have to face this. Please know with me that I am fully supported by the Universe with Grace and Ease.