Rishikesh - continued

Saturday - We met on the ghat at 7 for group chanting to chant the sun up. I woke up sad and was releasing old feelings and patterns of not feeling loved or being lovable. I had a huge attitude of It's not fair, where's mine? There are several relationship dynamics that are in evidence in the group and it was bringing things up for me. After we chanted the sun up, I was standing in Ma Ganga and was just sobbing, releasing the pain and hurt and letting the river wash it away. I was just being with the feelings and loving them as they were released.

Later, after I got out of the river, my intuitive friend walked up to me and said Good work! I asked him what he meant and he said he saw white whisps being released from my body and carried down the river. He's pretty amazing.

Have I mentioned that it's customary for women to swim here fully clothed? It's very different swimming in sarong and long shirt in a very cold, fast moving river.

Around 9am, Amy and I walked the two kms up the hill to the upper bridge to see the Ayurvedic doctor. He was booked up so we went and had an Ayurvedic massage. That woman was awesome! An hour of medicated oils followed by a medicated shower. I've now had my first bucket shower in a dark bathroom that's actually more like a concrete stall. Have I mentioned how much I love this place lately? I really do.

We split up to get our massages and I ate lunch at a very nice restaurant that had floor level tables with pillows to sit on. The food was spectacular. I then crossed the bridge and wandered along the eastern side of the Ganga and shopped. I got a Tibetan singing bowl and some mala beads and saw my first monkeys. They walked with their babies hanging underneath them, holding on to their chests. They are so cute! They're a bit dangerous though, so I kept my distance.

The sadness of the early morning disappeared but came back with intensity during our evening chanting session. I felt alone, disconnected, cut off, and longing for relationship. There's nothing to do with that except let it be. I had intuitive dreams all night and woke the next morning feeling calm and centered. I'm the source of the Love I seek. I don't need to wall off any part of myself, I can let my love flow and not put any conditions on it. I'm learning to not judge people. Judging others is just judging myself in disguise.

I'm clearing out a lot of old stuff to make room for something new. It's time for my next chapter. During my morning swim after sunrise chanting, Ma Ganga hugged me and tugged on my ankle and whispered You're mine.