Oh my, I never considered that I'd still be in India at the beginning of 2009. It's taking a bit to get my brain around this fact. What an auspicious way to start the year! Yes, world travel is my present and my future. It feels really good.
At this time of new beginnings, may we all look at what we cherish about our lives and look for opportunities to expand and deepen into them.
Hari Om!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Merry Christmas! 25 December 2008
Merry Christmas to All! Happy Whatever You Celebrate to All!
To borrow from my friend, Jordi, my heart is too full of the Now to write much. Not much room for past or future. I'll try though, because I'm a writer and that's what I do.
I'm well. I'm happy. I'm also miserable, sometimes at the same time. I cycle through many extremes repeatedly in one day. It's like my consciousness is a honeycomb, with all these compartments of stories and emotions and I can get lost or bask in any one of them, or move through lots of them at blazing speeds in succession, or experience myself as the comb itself and be aware of all of them and/or none of them at the same time.
This study in contrasts that is India? It's really Me. All at the same time. So, if you can think it, I'm probably feeling it.
The details seem trivial on one level and not on another. For example, I was the next to last person to receive darshan from Amma this morning, around 1:30am. Christmas morning. I got to rest in her arms while she talked to an attendent. That alone was exquisite, but it also meant I was on stage for Aarti, the celebration of Her as Divine. I received some of Her milk as prassad. That was just one very quick event in a day that felt like a month with major, consciousness-shaking events, one after the other.
Amma had been giving darshan for 15 hours and I didn't want to go. I didn't want to extend her day any longer than it had already been. I noticed the door was closed so I just decided I'd get darshan today. The Voice disagreed. An argument with The Voice ensued.
"Get Darshan."
No, Amma's tired, I'm going to let her rest.
"Get Darshan."
NO. The door is closed, it's too late.
"Get Darshan."
No.
"They will let you in, if you ask."
No. It's too late. All those people are lined up to get names and mantras and they've been waiting a long time. I'm totally happy not getting darshan tonight.
"It's after midnight; it's Christmas. Get Darshan."
NO. She's hugged enough people today. I'll get darshan tomorrow. It will still be Christmas.
"COME GET DARSHAN!"
No, ... Then, much to my surprise, my feet were carrying me up the ramp and I am in a group of three that are requesting darshan at the last moment. The doorkeeper has a five minute, multi-segmented, door opening and closing, heated discussion through a crack in the door with some unseen person on the inside in a language I can't understand.
All of a sudden, the door opens all the way and we're rapidly shoved in front of Amma. Within 1 minute, I'm on my knees in her lap.
No, not trivial, but yes, in a way it is. Does any of it really matter?
To close, I'll borrow from Amma's Christmas 2008 message.
Go forth and Be the Light of Christ in the world.
Merry Christmas, All!
To borrow from my friend, Jordi, my heart is too full of the Now to write much. Not much room for past or future. I'll try though, because I'm a writer and that's what I do.
I'm well. I'm happy. I'm also miserable, sometimes at the same time. I cycle through many extremes repeatedly in one day. It's like my consciousness is a honeycomb, with all these compartments of stories and emotions and I can get lost or bask in any one of them, or move through lots of them at blazing speeds in succession, or experience myself as the comb itself and be aware of all of them and/or none of them at the same time.
This study in contrasts that is India? It's really Me. All at the same time. So, if you can think it, I'm probably feeling it.
The details seem trivial on one level and not on another. For example, I was the next to last person to receive darshan from Amma this morning, around 1:30am. Christmas morning. I got to rest in her arms while she talked to an attendent. That alone was exquisite, but it also meant I was on stage for Aarti, the celebration of Her as Divine. I received some of Her milk as prassad. That was just one very quick event in a day that felt like a month with major, consciousness-shaking events, one after the other.
Amma had been giving darshan for 15 hours and I didn't want to go. I didn't want to extend her day any longer than it had already been. I noticed the door was closed so I just decided I'd get darshan today. The Voice disagreed. An argument with The Voice ensued.
"Get Darshan."
No, Amma's tired, I'm going to let her rest.
"Get Darshan."
NO. The door is closed, it's too late.
"Get Darshan."
No.
"They will let you in, if you ask."
No. It's too late. All those people are lined up to get names and mantras and they've been waiting a long time. I'm totally happy not getting darshan tonight.
"It's after midnight; it's Christmas. Get Darshan."
NO. She's hugged enough people today. I'll get darshan tomorrow. It will still be Christmas.
"COME GET DARSHAN!"
No, ... Then, much to my surprise, my feet were carrying me up the ramp and I am in a group of three that are requesting darshan at the last moment. The doorkeeper has a five minute, multi-segmented, door opening and closing, heated discussion through a crack in the door with some unseen person on the inside in a language I can't understand.
All of a sudden, the door opens all the way and we're rapidly shoved in front of Amma. Within 1 minute, I'm on my knees in her lap.
No, not trivial, but yes, in a way it is. Does any of it really matter?
To close, I'll borrow from Amma's Christmas 2008 message.
Go forth and Be the Light of Christ in the world.
Merry Christmas, All!
Friday, December 19, 2008
Bats in my belfry? No, UNDER MY BED! - 20 December 2008
I am at Amma's Ashram, Amritapuri, in Kerala, India. It's 1:08am and I just coaxed a bat out of my room! Just when I think I've seen it all...
My two roommates are from Russia. One of them speaks English very well and the other virtually not at all. When I got home tonight, one told me that a "flying mouse" had come into the room when she was the only one there. I asked if she meant a flying squirrel, and she said "No. Mouse. With wings. Lives in caves."
Oh! A bat!
She said she screamed, opened the door, and it finally flew out. We had a great giggle over it and decided not to tell our other roommate that it particularly liked her bunk. I knew she wouldn't be able to keep that secret, and sure enough, she couldn't. We had a great giggle over it when our other roommate came home, too. I couldn't understand the conversation, but the body language, shrieks and giggles told the tale.
We chatted until about midnight and then turned out the lights. A bit later, as I'm trying to fall asleep, I heard something rustling around near the backpacks and then over in the kitchen. I hoped it was one of my roommates rummaging around in the dark, but it sounded suspiciously bat-like. I got up, peered around in the dark without my glasses, decided that wasn't too smart, went back to my bed and grabbed my glasses, and turned on the light. Sure enough, there was a freakin' bat in the kitchen, flopping around on the floor trying to fly!
I ran out into the open air corridor in my t-shirt and tightie whities, and asked it to leave. I'm in an ashram, outside, in my skivvies. Not cool! It then flew under my bed! I suspect the bright lights hurt its sensitive eyes. I repeated my request, telling it that it just could NOT stay, and it wobbled across the floor (I don't know if it banged its head on the wall, or window bars, or what) , wobbled out the door, and flew off into the night.
I had no idea Bat Whisperer was one of my talents! Damn! One would think she'd have closed the window after the first one got in, but no. It's definitely closed now!
Earlier in the evening, I was smiling at all the bats that were playfully zinging by my head in the corridors. Foreshadowing, anyone? This is freaking hilarious. I'm not even going to consider what else could happen ...
My two roommates are from Russia. One of them speaks English very well and the other virtually not at all. When I got home tonight, one told me that a "flying mouse" had come into the room when she was the only one there. I asked if she meant a flying squirrel, and she said "No. Mouse. With wings. Lives in caves."
Oh! A bat!
She said she screamed, opened the door, and it finally flew out. We had a great giggle over it and decided not to tell our other roommate that it particularly liked her bunk. I knew she wouldn't be able to keep that secret, and sure enough, she couldn't. We had a great giggle over it when our other roommate came home, too. I couldn't understand the conversation, but the body language, shrieks and giggles told the tale.
We chatted until about midnight and then turned out the lights. A bit later, as I'm trying to fall asleep, I heard something rustling around near the backpacks and then over in the kitchen. I hoped it was one of my roommates rummaging around in the dark, but it sounded suspiciously bat-like. I got up, peered around in the dark without my glasses, decided that wasn't too smart, went back to my bed and grabbed my glasses, and turned on the light. Sure enough, there was a freakin' bat in the kitchen, flopping around on the floor trying to fly!
I ran out into the open air corridor in my t-shirt and tightie whities, and asked it to leave. I'm in an ashram, outside, in my skivvies. Not cool! It then flew under my bed! I suspect the bright lights hurt its sensitive eyes. I repeated my request, telling it that it just could NOT stay, and it wobbled across the floor (I don't know if it banged its head on the wall, or window bars, or what) , wobbled out the door, and flew off into the night.
I had no idea Bat Whisperer was one of my talents! Damn! One would think she'd have closed the window after the first one got in, but no. It's definitely closed now!
Earlier in the evening, I was smiling at all the bats that were playfully zinging by my head in the corridors. Foreshadowing, anyone? This is freaking hilarious. I'm not even going to consider what else could happen ...
Manifestation in Tiruvannamalai – 15 December 2008
Oops, forgot to post this one...
I think Tiruvannamalai is truly one of the most potent power spots on this Earth. Manifestation is a routine part of life here.
Consider this: I manifested a Guruji who is:
It’s so very nice to be totally understood and accepted in those areas without even having to discuss it. He understands me in other areas I’m not willing to blog about, too, which is quite the gift.
His home here in Tiru is open to me whenever I need it. It’s a wonderful space with a fully stocked and functional kitchen. Having a place here where I feel totally at home is such a blessing. I have an open invitation to his home in Amsterdam as well and I will definitely be taking him up on it.
Manifestation has become a routine part of life here and happens multiple times per day, every day. Each day seems like a year in terms of inner growth happening. It’s the most intense reality I’ve ever experienced. I continue to be awed and amazed.
I think Tiruvannamalai is truly one of the most potent power spots on this Earth. Manifestation is a routine part of life here.
Consider this: I manifested a Guruji who is:
- available 4 – 6 hours a day, six days a week
- openly gay
- polyamourous
- and gives hugs longer than I do, in public even. In India, of all places!
It’s so very nice to be totally understood and accepted in those areas without even having to discuss it. He understands me in other areas I’m not willing to blog about, too, which is quite the gift.
His home here in Tiru is open to me whenever I need it. It’s a wonderful space with a fully stocked and functional kitchen. Having a place here where I feel totally at home is such a blessing. I have an open invitation to his home in Amsterdam as well and I will definitely be taking him up on it.
Manifestation has become a routine part of life here and happens multiple times per day, every day. Each day seems like a year in terms of inner growth happening. It’s the most intense reality I’ve ever experienced. I continue to be awed and amazed.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Amritapuri - Jai Amma! 18 December 2008
Yay! I found a 'net cafe out of the Ashram in the village. 'Net access in the ashram is expensive, slow, and highly sought after, so I haven't been able to be online much at all. I've been sick with a digestive thing, too, so I haven't been venturing far afield.
This trip has been one of amazing growth and awakening. There's no way to blog it all and I'm losing a lot of the details. No matter, none of the details are really that important. Who I Am is what's important. There's a sense of rapid change and a steady continuity, both at the same time. It's interesting to experience, though I have to admit I'm exhausted.
I arrived at Amritapuri, Amma's ashram in Kerala, yesterday morning after an overnight train ride. OMG, that train!!! I rode in first class sleeper class for the first time, which is not what it sounds like. It's filthy because it's open to the air unless the windows are closed, which is not often. It's a sleeper though, and it's huge and the door to the compartment locks. I had it to myself for about an hour and felt like a queen! A dusty queen, but a queen nonetheless :)
It was like sleeping outside and on a speeding train at the same time, two of my most favourite things combined into one. I totally loved the wind in my hair and face. It was awesome!!!
I felt like I'd come home when I saw Amma giving darshan yesterday morning. I wept in her arms when it was my turn. It's home to me in a spiritual sense, but not in a physical sense. I have everything I need here and I get that it's exactly where I need to be right now, but it's not long term. Once again, an interesting paradox.
I got antibiotics today for my gut at the onsite hospital. This bug is hanging on too long and my body needs some assistance to knock it out. Medical care is free here and the meds cost $4 for three prescriptions. That's better than any copay I've ever had.
Travel days (or nights) are tiring under the best of circumsances and then checking into a room with three roommates and acclimating to a totally new environment has been quite intense. I'm just taking things as they come and got the first good night's sleep in a long time last night, so today I feel a lot better. I've been thinking of home a lot the last few days, where ever that is. I gotta say, this roughing it is losing it's appeal and I'm looking forward to some creature comforts.
This trip has been one of amazing growth and awakening. There's no way to blog it all and I'm losing a lot of the details. No matter, none of the details are really that important. Who I Am is what's important. There's a sense of rapid change and a steady continuity, both at the same time. It's interesting to experience, though I have to admit I'm exhausted.
I arrived at Amritapuri, Amma's ashram in Kerala, yesterday morning after an overnight train ride. OMG, that train!!! I rode in first class sleeper class for the first time, which is not what it sounds like. It's filthy because it's open to the air unless the windows are closed, which is not often. It's a sleeper though, and it's huge and the door to the compartment locks. I had it to myself for about an hour and felt like a queen! A dusty queen, but a queen nonetheless :)
It was like sleeping outside and on a speeding train at the same time, two of my most favourite things combined into one. I totally loved the wind in my hair and face. It was awesome!!!
I felt like I'd come home when I saw Amma giving darshan yesterday morning. I wept in her arms when it was my turn. It's home to me in a spiritual sense, but not in a physical sense. I have everything I need here and I get that it's exactly where I need to be right now, but it's not long term. Once again, an interesting paradox.
I got antibiotics today for my gut at the onsite hospital. This bug is hanging on too long and my body needs some assistance to knock it out. Medical care is free here and the meds cost $4 for three prescriptions. That's better than any copay I've ever had.
Travel days (or nights) are tiring under the best of circumsances and then checking into a room with three roommates and acclimating to a totally new environment has been quite intense. I'm just taking things as they come and got the first good night's sleep in a long time last night, so today I feel a lot better. I've been thinking of home a lot the last few days, where ever that is. I gotta say, this roughing it is losing it's appeal and I'm looking forward to some creature comforts.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Happy Deepam!
What a glorious holiday! Beautiful candles inserted in the more elaborate than usual kolam designs at each threshold and candles on every flat space along windowsills and doorways created a magical fairytale ambiance. Then there was the river of people circumambulating Mt. Arunachala. They started yesterday morning and it built up all day. After dinner, the three of us held hands and were literally pushed along as we crossed the road. People are still walking, although the crowd is *much* thinner today, over 24 hours later.
They set the top of the mountain on fire using ghee, or clarified butter, at 6pm. It was intense and could be seen for miles. Beautiful displays of fireworks could be seen in every direction. There were far less (fire)crackers, the cannon kind, than I experienced at Diwalli.
I didn't circumambulate the mountain this month. I started out at 2am with my teacher and friends and got very clear there was absolutely no need. I walked to where my road turned off and went back home to bed. The nicest thing is that I didn't feel like I was missing a thing, and that is huge for me.
I moved through the fear of my last post. I feel more centered and grounded in Who I Am than I have in my entire life. There is nowhere to go, and nothing to do. Truly.
Namasté.
They set the top of the mountain on fire using ghee, or clarified butter, at 6pm. It was intense and could be seen for miles. Beautiful displays of fireworks could be seen in every direction. There were far less (fire)crackers, the cannon kind, than I experienced at Diwalli.
I didn't circumambulate the mountain this month. I started out at 2am with my teacher and friends and got very clear there was absolutely no need. I walked to where my road turned off and went back home to bed. The nicest thing is that I didn't feel like I was missing a thing, and that is huge for me.
I moved through the fear of my last post. I feel more centered and grounded in Who I Am than I have in my entire life. There is nowhere to go, and nothing to do. Truly.
Namasté.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Fear and Awakening – 8 December 2008
I’m working with a teacher whom I find delightful in many ways and on many levels. We’re co-creating space with others where I go very deep into my awakening of Who I Really Am. He’s such an amazingly powerful mirror and catalyst for me. I’m making marathon length strides in mere days.
We’re doing silent meditation, guided meditation, reading, dissecting and discussing the book I Am That, by Nisargadatta Maharaj and sitting in Satsang. Satsang consists of everything under the sun, from using Tarot to Socratic dialogue, discussing everything from sexuality to family relationships, to giving up opinions, to living in the awakened state. Most of the time, while I’m there and after, I’m saturated with a sense of peace and an awareness that there is nothing to do and nowhere to go. He teaches the same thing as Ginaji; there’s no way to do this wrong.
There’s an intensity in this work that is effecting a deep shift in me. There is an intensity in my feelings toward this teacher. There is a trust that I feel with him that goes to my core.
For me, this is where it gets scary. I’ve misplaced my trust before and my body/mind is reminding me in a big way of past negative consequences. All of a sudden, today, it went on full alert. I have good friends here that know of this fear that’s coming up. I’m glad they are here and can help me suss out what’s old stuff coming up and if anything is truly a threat. I value them highly and met them before I met the teacher, so I trust their objectivity in this area.
In addition, I feel I’m very close to a big awakening and my ego is scared shitless. It has shifted into survival mode, telling me in numerous ways how dire the consequences will be without it.
I can tell I’m existing on a different plane than before. I’m constantly leaving important things (like my pack!) in rickshaws and restaurants. Thank the Goddess for Jordi, who keeps retrieving my things for me, pointing me in the right direction when I start to make a wrong turn on the way to class, and paying my cheque when I leave a restaurant without doing so. That just gives my ego more ammunition in it’s dire predictions for living in an awakened state.
I’m close. And I’m scared.
As Dear Sara puts it: I’m in the washer.
Again. Markji says I’ve been on this threshold before. He’s right. I get so close and retreat in fear. I don’t quite think retreat is an option this time. The awakening has already begun. It began with my intention for this trip before I even left Seattle.
I asked for a teacher. I received several; all wondrous and amazing and beloved.
I asked for awakening. Um, I think Be careful what you ask for. applies here.
Ginaji has taught me many times, over the last year and a half, that transformation and awakening doesn’t have to be traumatic. It can be done with Grace and Ease. It’s nice to remember that, when I’m able to.
I keep hearing predictions from friends and family that they don’t think I’m going back and it’s just reinforcing what I already know. This is the point I foretold with much trepidation before I left Seattle. The point in the journey where I felt in advance that the person who left Seattle would never come back. And I really, really hate goodbyes.
I’m not saying I’m not returning to Seattle. I do plan to return, eventually. However, I won’t be living there permanently and I won’t the person who left when I get there.
I keep pretending I’m not sure I’m extending my stay here *cynical laugh* I’m fairly certain I will stay through most of January. Then, my intention is to fly into NY and visit my daughter for her birthday and spend around a month on the East Coast visiting friends and family. Then I plan to fly to Seattle, collect my car and some things and head off on a road trip through California and Arizona; visiting with friends, exploring new spiritual endeavours and expanding upon current ones. I may spend a few weeks in Seattle sorting out my affairs before heading out, perhaps even a month, but probably no longer than that.
That puts me back in Seattle briefly sometime in March. March! Seven months after I left and only for a short while. I love my city, but it’s been an effort to live there, financially and climate-wise. It’s simply cheaper to travel than to live there. However, I miss my friends, I miss my love, and there’s no way I can commit to the Choir of Light again and that thought alone has me in tears. Never mind what the thought of no Tuesday night voice classes or kirtan with Ginaji is doing to me. It’s so not pretty!
I keep coming back to the fact that things I’m experiencing here are more enriching, gratifying and life affirming than the things I’m missing in Seattle, and they are more numerous. It still doesn’t ease the pangs of sorrow over the missing and those pangs are fueling the fear of changing.
I know I have to let go. I cannot swim back up the waterfall in mid descent. It’s simply not possible. There is no other possible outcome for me, other than to awaken. My Dharma demands it. Resistance is futile. Besides, resistance is not much fun.
I keep seeing myself founding a spiritual center on the coast of South Carolina; a section of the country that could use a safe haven for exploration and expression of New Thought and Non Dual philosophies. I have no idea if this will come to fruition, but it’s a persistent vision.
So, of course, this could just be another emotionally fraught shitstorm my ego is kicking up and after this much foretold and much anticipated awakening I look around and, once again, say, Well, hell. Here I am again, same as always! Actually, I think that’s probably the way it will turn out. After all, wherever you go, there you are and I’m already That anyway. I’m probably just the last one to know it.
I could still get on that plane on 23 December and have two full Christmas Eves, one in Seoul and one in Seattle. Somehow, though, I kind of doubt that part. Somehow, that plan just doesn’t matter any more.
This all leaves me in a place of not knowing. I’m staying very close to home tonight. I’m venturing out only to post this, check my email and grab some soup, then returning to my bed. I’m conserving my energy and nurturing the parts of me that are experiencing fear. I’ve been expending a lot of psychic energy the last four days and I’m feeling a bit drained. I’m totally mothering myself tonight, and it feels good.
Tomorrow, I move to a new residence that has a hot water shower! Woo Hoo! It’s a much nicer place and Jordi is next door in a complete apartment with a kitchen she’s offered to share. She already took most of my stuff over there today, bless her heart. I just have to take my computer and toiletries and a few clothes. Life really is very good here.
Lastly, Deepam is in a few days, on the full moon, and the energy has been building daily for the last 7 days. It will peak in the biggest circumambulation of Mt. Arunachala of the year. It’s the biggest Shiva festival ever (according to local thought, your mileage may vary) around the living Shiva Lingam, the mountain itself.
Ahh Nataraj! Shiva dancing constant destruction to make way for creation with each step. What a very appropriate metaphor, yes? There are no fucking accidents :)
We’re doing silent meditation, guided meditation, reading, dissecting and discussing the book I Am That, by Nisargadatta Maharaj and sitting in Satsang. Satsang consists of everything under the sun, from using Tarot to Socratic dialogue, discussing everything from sexuality to family relationships, to giving up opinions, to living in the awakened state. Most of the time, while I’m there and after, I’m saturated with a sense of peace and an awareness that there is nothing to do and nowhere to go. He teaches the same thing as Ginaji; there’s no way to do this wrong.
There’s an intensity in this work that is effecting a deep shift in me. There is an intensity in my feelings toward this teacher. There is a trust that I feel with him that goes to my core.
For me, this is where it gets scary. I’ve misplaced my trust before and my body/mind is reminding me in a big way of past negative consequences. All of a sudden, today, it went on full alert. I have good friends here that know of this fear that’s coming up. I’m glad they are here and can help me suss out what’s old stuff coming up and if anything is truly a threat. I value them highly and met them before I met the teacher, so I trust their objectivity in this area.
In addition, I feel I’m very close to a big awakening and my ego is scared shitless. It has shifted into survival mode, telling me in numerous ways how dire the consequences will be without it.
I can tell I’m existing on a different plane than before. I’m constantly leaving important things (like my pack!) in rickshaws and restaurants. Thank the Goddess for Jordi, who keeps retrieving my things for me, pointing me in the right direction when I start to make a wrong turn on the way to class, and paying my cheque when I leave a restaurant without doing so. That just gives my ego more ammunition in it’s dire predictions for living in an awakened state.
I’m close. And I’m scared.
As Dear Sara puts it: I’m in the washer.
Again. Markji says I’ve been on this threshold before. He’s right. I get so close and retreat in fear. I don’t quite think retreat is an option this time. The awakening has already begun. It began with my intention for this trip before I even left Seattle.
I asked for a teacher. I received several; all wondrous and amazing and beloved.
I asked for awakening. Um, I think Be careful what you ask for. applies here.
Ginaji has taught me many times, over the last year and a half, that transformation and awakening doesn’t have to be traumatic. It can be done with Grace and Ease. It’s nice to remember that, when I’m able to.
I keep hearing predictions from friends and family that they don’t think I’m going back and it’s just reinforcing what I already know. This is the point I foretold with much trepidation before I left Seattle. The point in the journey where I felt in advance that the person who left Seattle would never come back. And I really, really hate goodbyes.
I’m not saying I’m not returning to Seattle. I do plan to return, eventually. However, I won’t be living there permanently and I won’t the person who left when I get there.
I keep pretending I’m not sure I’m extending my stay here *cynical laugh* I’m fairly certain I will stay through most of January. Then, my intention is to fly into NY and visit my daughter for her birthday and spend around a month on the East Coast visiting friends and family. Then I plan to fly to Seattle, collect my car and some things and head off on a road trip through California and Arizona; visiting with friends, exploring new spiritual endeavours and expanding upon current ones. I may spend a few weeks in Seattle sorting out my affairs before heading out, perhaps even a month, but probably no longer than that.
That puts me back in Seattle briefly sometime in March. March! Seven months after I left and only for a short while. I love my city, but it’s been an effort to live there, financially and climate-wise. It’s simply cheaper to travel than to live there. However, I miss my friends, I miss my love, and there’s no way I can commit to the Choir of Light again and that thought alone has me in tears. Never mind what the thought of no Tuesday night voice classes or kirtan with Ginaji is doing to me. It’s so not pretty!
I keep coming back to the fact that things I’m experiencing here are more enriching, gratifying and life affirming than the things I’m missing in Seattle, and they are more numerous. It still doesn’t ease the pangs of sorrow over the missing and those pangs are fueling the fear of changing.
I know I have to let go. I cannot swim back up the waterfall in mid descent. It’s simply not possible. There is no other possible outcome for me, other than to awaken. My Dharma demands it. Resistance is futile. Besides, resistance is not much fun.
I keep seeing myself founding a spiritual center on the coast of South Carolina; a section of the country that could use a safe haven for exploration and expression of New Thought and Non Dual philosophies. I have no idea if this will come to fruition, but it’s a persistent vision.
So, of course, this could just be another emotionally fraught shitstorm my ego is kicking up and after this much foretold and much anticipated awakening I look around and, once again, say, Well, hell. Here I am again, same as always! Actually, I think that’s probably the way it will turn out. After all, wherever you go, there you are and I’m already That anyway. I’m probably just the last one to know it.
I could still get on that plane on 23 December and have two full Christmas Eves, one in Seoul and one in Seattle. Somehow, though, I kind of doubt that part. Somehow, that plan just doesn’t matter any more.
This all leaves me in a place of not knowing. I’m staying very close to home tonight. I’m venturing out only to post this, check my email and grab some soup, then returning to my bed. I’m conserving my energy and nurturing the parts of me that are experiencing fear. I’ve been expending a lot of psychic energy the last four days and I’m feeling a bit drained. I’m totally mothering myself tonight, and it feels good.
Tomorrow, I move to a new residence that has a hot water shower! Woo Hoo! It’s a much nicer place and Jordi is next door in a complete apartment with a kitchen she’s offered to share. She already took most of my stuff over there today, bless her heart. I just have to take my computer and toiletries and a few clothes. Life really is very good here.
Lastly, Deepam is in a few days, on the full moon, and the energy has been building daily for the last 7 days. It will peak in the biggest circumambulation of Mt. Arunachala of the year. It’s the biggest Shiva festival ever (according to local thought, your mileage may vary) around the living Shiva Lingam, the mountain itself.
Ahh Nataraj! Shiva dancing constant destruction to make way for creation with each step. What a very appropriate metaphor, yes? There are no fucking accidents :)
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Choices - 6 December 2008
Been spending time with a delightful teacher the last few days. He's quite alive and refreshing. I'm leaving Tiruvannamalai either the 9th or 12th for Kerala, not quite sure yet. Keeping my date on 23 December with my flight home or staying through January, not quite sure yet. It's nice to have choices.
I think Ginaji would love Markji and I would love to see them interact. I love having teachers that are fully engaged in all aspects of life while living their philosphy.
Met a guy last night at dinner who lives at Ammachi's ashram and I'm exciting to be visiting there soon. I'm so very blessed.
I think Ginaji would love Markji and I would love to see them interact. I love having teachers that are fully engaged in all aspects of life while living their philosphy.
Met a guy last night at dinner who lives at Ammachi's ashram and I'm exciting to be visiting there soon. I'm so very blessed.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Out of the Ashram - 3 December 2008
Moved back to my favourite guest house today. Moving into my favourite room tomorrow. Living at the ashram wasn't as peaceful as I had hoped. The living quarters were very near the main road and were very noisy. I felt a huge disconnect between the living area and the meditation hall and shrines. I much prefer living somewhere else and just visiting.
The nice thing was hot water! They had a solar tank on the roof of my building and I had two hot showers in three days. Having sun two out of three days was awesome, too. I love that I can appreciate the simple, basic things in life, like hot water and dry shoes. I've had dry shoes parts of two days out of ten. When they are warm and dry at the same time? Pure bliss!
Attended another bhajan event today. Oh how I love chanting to the Ma. We even chanted to Ganga Ma! All chanting is nice, but I noticed when I chant to the Ma, it's like all my cells get supercharged. Also attended a video satsang of Papaji's. It was very sweet :)
My right lens of my glasses fell into my bowl of fruit curd this morning at breakfast. Luckily, the tiny screw didn't fall out and go missing. I've hand tightened it as best as I can with my fingernail and followed up with a wee knife blade, but I'll feel better when I take a tiny screwdriver to it tomorrow. I'm borrowing one from a friend. It's good to have connections :)
Oh! I had tapenade today on a chapati! YUM!!! Sardines were substituted for anchovies, but I wouldn't know the difference. It was pure heaven. Life is good :)
There is a huge festival underway called Deepam. We are on Day 3:
Karthigai Deepam is the most sacred time of the year and ends with a beacon of fire being lit on the top of Sri Arunachala. It is always 10 days long: sometimes in November, sometimes in December depending on the calendar. Days 5 & 10 are the most important days.
More here: http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/note.php?note_id=38162759261
The nice thing was hot water! They had a solar tank on the roof of my building and I had two hot showers in three days. Having sun two out of three days was awesome, too. I love that I can appreciate the simple, basic things in life, like hot water and dry shoes. I've had dry shoes parts of two days out of ten. When they are warm and dry at the same time? Pure bliss!
Attended another bhajan event today. Oh how I love chanting to the Ma. We even chanted to Ganga Ma! All chanting is nice, but I noticed when I chant to the Ma, it's like all my cells get supercharged. Also attended a video satsang of Papaji's. It was very sweet :)
My right lens of my glasses fell into my bowl of fruit curd this morning at breakfast. Luckily, the tiny screw didn't fall out and go missing. I've hand tightened it as best as I can with my fingernail and followed up with a wee knife blade, but I'll feel better when I take a tiny screwdriver to it tomorrow. I'm borrowing one from a friend. It's good to have connections :)
Oh! I had tapenade today on a chapati! YUM!!! Sardines were substituted for anchovies, but I wouldn't know the difference. It was pure heaven. Life is good :)
There is a huge festival underway called Deepam. We are on Day 3:
Karthigai Deepam is the most sacred time of the year and ends with a beacon of fire being lit on the top of Sri Arunachala. It is always 10 days long: sometimes in November, sometimes in December depending on the calendar. Days 5 & 10 are the most important days.
More here: http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/note.php?note_id=38162759261
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