Dancing with the Universe

Reading http://www.inharmonyastrology.blogspot.com/, I was struck by how accurate this part was:

what you are rethinking this week is not just a job or a relationship or what have you, it is powerful, ingrained patterns of the soul that thwart your growth and require healing and change on the deepest levels. this week you can connect with even more of what this inward journey means for you.

and my actual sun sign reading got even more specific. It felt like someone had been watching and eavesdropping on my latest energy work session and the results it's had on my life this week.

I wondered how this could be accurate for all of us at the same time, while we all have vastly different lives and experiences. I wondered how it was possible to have free will and autonomy when it sounded like I was living my life from a script, predetermined by the Universe. I wondered why this might be totally accurate for me, but not even remotely close for millions of others.

In pondering these things, the metaphor of partner dancing came up. Dancing with a partner has come up several times this week, both as a metaphor and as an activity. I'm not a partner dancer, so I'm clumsy and dense when it comes to the signals. Even when the hand and body signals are firm and clear, I don't know what they mean, so I'm guessing what my response should be. Sometimes I guess right, but most times I guess wrong and there is a collision of some sort and toes are often stepped on. It's jarring and ugly, yet humorous and we laugh and move on. Even when I guess right, the movement is abrupt and over or under executed. It's not graceful and smooth like the other dancers I see on the floor.

It takes practice and refinement to both learn the signals and optimal responses to them. There are multiple responses and ways to communicate them with my partner so that I, too, can direct the flow of the dance. Over time, with lots of practice, the communication becomes subtle and effective and the result is a work of art, as the dancers glide over the floor, executing complex moves, seemingly effortlessly.

I think the Universe operates just like this. Astrology points to the same gross influences and opportunities we all have occurring at any one time and we can all have vastly different experiences based on our skill at interpreting the signals and executing our responses. It's the fine tuning that comes with practice that allows subtle communication between dancers' hands and we can fine tune our communication with the Universe in the same way, if we choose to pay attention and develop it. At first, we will be dense and unskilled and our lives will reflect that. Either the influences and opportunities will bounce off and be unheeded or we'll respond in a less than optimal way and there will be collisions of various natures and intensities.

When collisions happen, we're not being punished, it's just an opportunity for refinement and growth. All the while, an internal conversation is occurring and we get to choose it's contents. We can choose to be open and look at our collisions with an eye toward self discovery and refinement or we can choose to belittle and berate ourselves and shut down and erect walls of protection. It's totally up to us.

It's not always easy to stay open when major collisions occur. It requires faith that we live in a benevolent Universe and a willingness to let go of what we know for an expanded experience. It's worth it, though, because that dance with the Universe is so beautiful, both to behold and experience.

Guru Purnima 2009

What is Guru? Guru is a Sankrit word formed from the syllables gu and ru. In Sanskrit, gu is darkness and ru is lightness. Guru, then, is the dispeller of darkness. The way guru does this is by mirroring the light.

I’ve heard it said that one takes a guru to kill the self and then the Self kills the guru. It’s always Self unto Self, and that’s the role of the guru, to aid the disciple in discovering that within themselves. I like the definition of disciple that simply means “following the discipline of”. It doesn’t mean worship, it means learning by taking on the practice of someone more adept to obtain something for yourSelf. It always comes back to Self; there is no “other”.

I am blessed to have several dear gurus in my life. Some are here in the States, like Gina Salá and Eric des O’del and the teachings of New Thought. Some are in India, like Sri Shastriji and Swami Bodhichitanandaji. Some are in the ethereal realms, like Jesus and Buddha. Each of these teachers has shown me the truth about myself, by being who they truly are. They embody that Truth. Each of these people are intimately known to me, as me.

I don’t think I can convey the depth of my surprise when Jesus showed up for a conversation one day in meditation. I blurted out, “What the hell are YOU doing here? I don’t even like you. Oh, wait, yes I do. I just have issues with your followers.” He laughed lovingly and we got down to a seriously awesome heart to heart chat. The way I see it, you can’t hide anything from Jesus, so there’s no sense in being anything other than authentic. There’s nothing any of us can do to be outside the Love that created all.

And then there is the teaching that Everyone is my teacher, especially those teaching lessons I’m not keen on learning. I feel the Truth of this and honour them, too.

As I contemplate this Truth, I can feel all of my gurus in my heart. We are never separate. Whenever I need to be reminded, I reach out to one of my teachers and they are there for me, unfailingly, wrapping me in the love and pointing me inward, toward the unity of all there is.

So on this day of honouring my gurus, I will take their teachings to heart, and honour everyone, including myself, as there is only One guru, and we are It.

Namasté

Keeping It Real

The contents of this blog keep shifting, just like my life. However, the one, unchanging purpose of the blog is to be a trail of breadcrumbs. I intend it to be a travelogue of the journey I call life. I want other people on the journey to read it and perhaps find a bit of themselves and their triumphs and struggles in here and know they are not alone.

I don't want to spin it, I just want to capture it. A life of transformation is not all sweetness and light. Yes, what we pay attention to increases, but what we deny or resist persists. It's not balanced to only focus on the light side. God is in the angst just as God is in the joy.

There's no cause for concern when the posts are heavy. It's all just a part of life. Wrestling with angels is hard work and stirs up a lot of muck. Shadow sides are part of us, too, and carry much valuable information. They are not to be shunned, they are to be embraced.

Each new plateau brings new vistas and new terrain to navigate. The journey to awakening is never ending. Sometimes it's easy and sometimes the path is rock strewn. One is not better than the other as far as value. Sure the easy parts feel better, but I won't deny the hard parts.

Through it all, however, I laugh. Nothing is permanent and when I wrestle with the angels, I always find my way through it to the peace on the other side. I will hopefully learn how to put aside the wrestling for more gentle ways to learn, and I know joy is my natural state. It's all good.

Futility

Futility. That’s what it’s all about. Nothing will gain you happiness. Nothing. Not being a parent. Not having that perfect special lover. Not getting that special job. Not getting that raise. Not getting that promotion. Not learning to sing. Not earning that new degree. Not taking up that new spiritual practice. Not wandering a foreign country for four months. Not walking on fire. Not learning that new language. Not getting that big house. Not living on the waterfront. Nothing.

I know whereof I speak. I’ve done it all. Well, all except that new degree thing, and I’m rethinking that in light of this. Nothing has brought me happiness.

I’m fundamentally not happy and I’m still me. I think these two things are directly related. I think I took on a lot of these things not just to be happy, but to alter who I am so I could be acceptable to myself. Guess what? It didn’t happen. I’m still just as critical of myself as ever.

So, what is the key? How do I learn to accept myself? I honestly don’t know. I do know that I’m exhausting myself by all the reaching and grasping and “growing”. Fuck all that. I really hope I’m done with that.

Perhaps now that I know nothing will make me happy, I can focus on getting to know who I am, exactly the way I am, without judgment. I think that’s my only hope.

Just a typical weekend...

What have you been up to lately?

Me? Not much. The usual.

What's that?

Normal stuff, you know.

No, I don't. Tell me.

Well, Thursday, I went kayaking on Lake Union with friends and drummed in a music jam at a friend's birthday party.

Friday, I rode my bike 8 miles and read my book in the sun on the shore of Lake Washington with Mt. Rainier in the background and talked with a woman about taking windsurfing and kayaking lessons. Later, I watched an aerialist show in the park and ran into some friends and joined them for an Ethiopian dinner.

Saturday I put down a deposit on a waterfront apartment, broke an arrow with my throat and walked on fire.

Sunday I went to church, danced and sang, got together with friends and read poetry and spiritual works and discussed them, walked and laughed and talked and started learning to juggle.

You know, normal stuff...

Reality Mismatch

Something fundamental has shifted. Many things have fallen away and consciousness has expanded. I can’t talk about certain things with others. Well, I can. I mean, I’ve tried, but to no avail. They don’t get it. I’m dissatisfied with the conversations because they don’t have the frame of reference to understand what I’m saying.

It is sad, in a way, and sort of lonely, but I totally understand. It's a natural evolution. They mean well. They give me suggestions and/or tell me I’m over reacting. They don’t see that the origin of reality is at stake for me. They don’t see that my life literally depends on it. In their reality, it doesn’t matter. There are many, many layers between the cause and effect for them. In my reality, it’s sourcing my life and cause and effect are almost instantaneous.


I'm not angsty about these things, just mindful of them. I like talking about things I'm mindful of. My guides have been very vocal and very clear today. It’s a good thing, as I need to look within now. My old methods of sorting things externally are no longer effective. It’s a lonely feeling, this feeling like I’m not understood by ones whom I’ve come to rely on, ones who knew me better than I knew myself. In the context that they knew me, I no longer exist. Everything’s different now. We speak different languages. We have different constructs.

No wonder re-entry was more difficult this time. As I become proficient with being comfortable with my inner guidance, I think re-entry will become easier. This is a good thing, since I'll be coming and going every year. There will be a new point of reference, a new Jerusalem.

Things I used to think were critical to my survival are no longer relevant. I let them go with love and a bit of sadness in my heart. There's no going back. Fare thee well. Shalom.

But, I'm Just Some Kid From Lakeside

This afternoon, I find myself sitting on a bamboo mat on the floor of a yoga studio in Vancouver, BC. I'm facing a group of 20 women who have come from Japan to take a two week yoga teacher training course. I'm here to sing the response portion of call and response chanting in Sanskrit to help them know when to chant. As Ginaji weaves stories throughout the kirtan to illustrate the metaphors, and has them translated into Japanese, my gaze drifts over to the wall of windows and I admire the cherry trees in full bloom outside. She has some direct interactions with the class in Japanese and I am totally oblivious to what she's saying, but I totally understand the facial expressions and resulting laughter. I love these now familiar stories and I never tire of hearing them. I love being immersed in a group speaking in a different language, it allows the universal language and heart connections to be felt stronger.

My smile grows as I realize being here is great, but it's not that unusual for me to find myself in this type of scenario. This is my life and I adore it. Suddenly, it occurs to me just how far my life has come from when I was a kid growing up in Lakeside, a blue collar neighbourhood just outside of Richmond, VA. There, this scenario would have been just as likely as me listening to stories while sitting on the moon.

The tremendous, heart opening leaps of faith that have brought me here are staggering to look back on. Everything that happened to lead me to this point is cherished, even the oh, so hard, stuff. On the eve of Easter, I'm sensitive to the rebirth that is happening within me and within all of us. Life is a constant cycle of death and resurrection.

When we were done singing Lay Back In The Arms Of Love in Japanese, there wasn't a dry eye in the house. Hearts were opened, grief and gratitude were acknowledged, tears were shed and various levels of healing had begun. This is what life is about for me now, touching hearts and making a difference in people's lives.

Throughout my life, there has been a constant flame that burns within me. Call it the Holy Spirit, call it the Christ within, call it my inner Buddha nature, call it my soul, call it my mind, call it my psyche, call it what you will. It's eternal. It's beyond birth and death. It's essence is always Love and Light and always has been. My perception of it gets weak and feeble sometimes and gutters like a candle in the wind. It shrinks and hides to preserve itself sometimes, but it's always there. It's the one constant in my never ending changing flow of Now.

I've taken some pretty self destructive detours in my life. None of that matters. That I can sit in my bliss so calmly in a world that is so far from my origin is nothing less than a miracle. An ordinary, everyday miracle that shows me that nothing is beyond my reach. If I can dream it, I can be it. If I can't even conceive of it yet, I might just be living it someday in the future anyway. And if I can do it, anyone can. Just be aware of that flame. Trust it. Nurture it. Believe it's there.

As I finish this up, I'm off to bed. I have a 7am call time to sing with the Center of Spiritual Living's Choir of Light. Me, a woman who was convinced I was tone deaf until I was 45 years old. Again, the events that conspired to allow me to find my voice and then the courage to audition for a choir are nothing short of miraculous. Tomorrow, as I'm standing on the risers, dressed in all white, I'll be singing with gratitude and great joy. Yes, We Believe We Can Fly...

It's never too late. Ever. Happy Easter.