What have you been up to lately?
Me? Not much. The usual.
What's that?
Normal stuff, you know.
No, I don't. Tell me.
Well, Thursday, I went kayaking on Lake Union with friends and drummed in a music jam at a friend's birthday party.
Friday, I rode my bike 8 miles and read my book in the sun on the shore of Lake Washington with Mt. Rainier in the background and talked with a woman about taking windsurfing and kayaking lessons. Later, I watched an aerialist show in the park and ran into some friends and joined them for an Ethiopian dinner.
Saturday I put down a deposit on a waterfront apartment, broke an arrow with my throat and walked on fire.
Sunday I went to church, danced and sang, got together with friends and read poetry and spiritual works and discussed them, walked and laughed and talked and started learning to juggle.
You know, normal stuff...
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Reality Mismatch
Something fundamental has shifted. Many things have fallen away and consciousness has expanded. I can’t talk about certain things with others. Well, I can. I mean, I’ve tried, but to no avail. They don’t get it. I’m dissatisfied with the conversations because they don’t have the frame of reference to understand what I’m saying.
It is sad, in a way, and sort of lonely, but I totally understand. It's a natural evolution. They mean well. They give me suggestions and/or tell me I’m over reacting. They don’t see that the origin of reality is at stake for me. They don’t see that my life literally depends on it. In their reality, it doesn’t matter. There are many, many layers between the cause and effect for them. In my reality, it’s sourcing my life and cause and effect are almost instantaneous.
I'm not angsty about these things, just mindful of them. I like talking about things I'm mindful of. My guides have been very vocal and very clear today. It’s a good thing, as I need to look within now. My old methods of sorting things externally are no longer effective. It’s a lonely feeling, this feeling like I’m not understood by ones whom I’ve come to rely on, ones who knew me better than I knew myself. In the context that they knew me, I no longer exist. Everything’s different now. We speak different languages. We have different constructs.
No wonder re-entry was more difficult this time. As I become proficient with being comfortable with my inner guidance, I think re-entry will become easier. This is a good thing, since I'll be coming and going every year. There will be a new point of reference, a new Jerusalem.
Things I used to think were critical to my survival are no longer relevant. I let them go with love and a bit of sadness in my heart. There's no going back. Fare thee well. Shalom.
It is sad, in a way, and sort of lonely, but I totally understand. It's a natural evolution. They mean well. They give me suggestions and/or tell me I’m over reacting. They don’t see that the origin of reality is at stake for me. They don’t see that my life literally depends on it. In their reality, it doesn’t matter. There are many, many layers between the cause and effect for them. In my reality, it’s sourcing my life and cause and effect are almost instantaneous.
I'm not angsty about these things, just mindful of them. I like talking about things I'm mindful of. My guides have been very vocal and very clear today. It’s a good thing, as I need to look within now. My old methods of sorting things externally are no longer effective. It’s a lonely feeling, this feeling like I’m not understood by ones whom I’ve come to rely on, ones who knew me better than I knew myself. In the context that they knew me, I no longer exist. Everything’s different now. We speak different languages. We have different constructs.
No wonder re-entry was more difficult this time. As I become proficient with being comfortable with my inner guidance, I think re-entry will become easier. This is a good thing, since I'll be coming and going every year. There will be a new point of reference, a new Jerusalem.
Things I used to think were critical to my survival are no longer relevant. I let them go with love and a bit of sadness in my heart. There's no going back. Fare thee well. Shalom.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
But, I'm Just Some Kid From Lakeside
This afternoon, I find myself sitting on a bamboo mat on the floor of a yoga studio in Vancouver, BC. I'm facing a group of 20 women who have come from Japan to take a two week yoga teacher training course. I'm here to sing the response portion of call and response chanting in Sanskrit to help them know when to chant. As Ginaji weaves stories throughout the kirtan to illustrate the metaphors, and has them translated into Japanese, my gaze drifts over to the wall of windows and I admire the cherry trees in full bloom outside. She has some direct interactions with the class in Japanese and I am totally oblivious to what she's saying, but I totally understand the facial expressions and resulting laughter. I love these now familiar stories and I never tire of hearing them. I love being immersed in a group speaking in a different language, it allows the universal language and heart connections to be felt stronger.
My smile grows as I realize being here is great, but it's not that unusual for me to find myself in this type of scenario. This is my life and I adore it. Suddenly, it occurs to me just how far my life has come from when I was a kid growing up in Lakeside, a blue collar neighbourhood just outside of Richmond, VA. There, this scenario would have been just as likely as me listening to stories while sitting on the moon.
The tremendous, heart opening leaps of faith that have brought me here are staggering to look back on. Everything that happened to lead me to this point is cherished, even the oh, so hard, stuff. On the eve of Easter, I'm sensitive to the rebirth that is happening within me and within all of us. Life is a constant cycle of death and resurrection.
When we were done singing Lay Back In The Arms Of Love in Japanese, there wasn't a dry eye in the house. Hearts were opened, grief and gratitude were acknowledged, tears were shed and various levels of healing had begun. This is what life is about for me now, touching hearts and making a difference in people's lives.
Throughout my life, there has been a constant flame that burns within me. Call it the Holy Spirit, call it the Christ within, call it my inner Buddha nature, call it my soul, call it my mind, call it my psyche, call it what you will. It's eternal. It's beyond birth and death. It's essence is always Love and Light and always has been. My perception of it gets weak and feeble sometimes and gutters like a candle in the wind. It shrinks and hides to preserve itself sometimes, but it's always there. It's the one constant in my never ending changing flow of Now.
I've taken some pretty self destructive detours in my life. None of that matters. That I can sit in my bliss so calmly in a world that is so far from my origin is nothing less than a miracle. An ordinary, everyday miracle that shows me that nothing is beyond my reach. If I can dream it, I can be it. If I can't even conceive of it yet, I might just be living it someday in the future anyway. And if I can do it, anyone can. Just be aware of that flame. Trust it. Nurture it. Believe it's there.
As I finish this up, I'm off to bed. I have a 7am call time to sing with the Center of Spiritual Living's Choir of Light. Me, a woman who was convinced I was tone deaf until I was 45 years old. Again, the events that conspired to allow me to find my voice and then the courage to audition for a choir are nothing short of miraculous. Tomorrow, as I'm standing on the risers, dressed in all white, I'll be singing with gratitude and great joy. Yes, We Believe We Can Fly...
It's never too late. Ever. Happy Easter.
My smile grows as I realize being here is great, but it's not that unusual for me to find myself in this type of scenario. This is my life and I adore it. Suddenly, it occurs to me just how far my life has come from when I was a kid growing up in Lakeside, a blue collar neighbourhood just outside of Richmond, VA. There, this scenario would have been just as likely as me listening to stories while sitting on the moon.
The tremendous, heart opening leaps of faith that have brought me here are staggering to look back on. Everything that happened to lead me to this point is cherished, even the oh, so hard, stuff. On the eve of Easter, I'm sensitive to the rebirth that is happening within me and within all of us. Life is a constant cycle of death and resurrection.
When we were done singing Lay Back In The Arms Of Love in Japanese, there wasn't a dry eye in the house. Hearts were opened, grief and gratitude were acknowledged, tears were shed and various levels of healing had begun. This is what life is about for me now, touching hearts and making a difference in people's lives.
Throughout my life, there has been a constant flame that burns within me. Call it the Holy Spirit, call it the Christ within, call it my inner Buddha nature, call it my soul, call it my mind, call it my psyche, call it what you will. It's eternal. It's beyond birth and death. It's essence is always Love and Light and always has been. My perception of it gets weak and feeble sometimes and gutters like a candle in the wind. It shrinks and hides to preserve itself sometimes, but it's always there. It's the one constant in my never ending changing flow of Now.
I've taken some pretty self destructive detours in my life. None of that matters. That I can sit in my bliss so calmly in a world that is so far from my origin is nothing less than a miracle. An ordinary, everyday miracle that shows me that nothing is beyond my reach. If I can dream it, I can be it. If I can't even conceive of it yet, I might just be living it someday in the future anyway. And if I can do it, anyone can. Just be aware of that flame. Trust it. Nurture it. Believe it's there.
As I finish this up, I'm off to bed. I have a 7am call time to sing with the Center of Spiritual Living's Choir of Light. Me, a woman who was convinced I was tone deaf until I was 45 years old. Again, the events that conspired to allow me to find my voice and then the courage to audition for a choir are nothing short of miraculous. Tomorrow, as I'm standing on the risers, dressed in all white, I'll be singing with gratitude and great joy. Yes, We Believe We Can Fly...
It's never too late. Ever. Happy Easter.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Moving Again and Random Update-y Thoughts
As I refine what I'm looking for here in Seattle, I'm preparing to move yet again. This time to a "mini-ashram", a house of an acquaintance whom I've always felt drawn to. She's well steeped in Eastern mysticism and her house looks and feels like a pocket of India. I think living immersed in that energy will go a long way toward evening out the peaks and valleys I've been experiencing lately.
I'm writing this at 2:30am, sitting cross-legged on a pallet I just made on the floor. I seem to be on India time lately and not sleeping at night. I was tossing and turning and had a sudden craving to sleep on the floor tonight. It feels better down here, for some reason.
There's no denying there have been fundamental changes in me since my journey. The layers upon layers of minutiae that are necessary to function in the West are piling on and my soul is crying out when it gets too smothered. Being open to the balancing act and ebb and flow is quite an interesting journey in itself.
I'm noticing deep changes in the way I move within groups of people in social situations. Situations that previously would have had me in my head, engaged in internal dialog around fitting in, are now effortless and fun and I'm totally relaxed and confident. I perceive no risk whatsoever, when before I would have been very constrained. It's fascinating to observe and quite gratifying.
I'm feeling totally in the flow again and have manifested my desires powerfully over the last few days. It's good to note that Tiruvannamalai isn't the only place where I can do that. Work projects are flowing to me and I'm feeling confident and capable. I sense that my plans to return to India for longer periods of time are sound and will happen. I also foresee adventures in various places in North, Central and South America as well as Europe.
I got a valuable lesson in manifestation last week. When fear is what I'm focusing on, that is what is manifested. The Universe is impartial, it doesn't give a rip what we ask for, it just delivers. I dished up a heaping helping of fear and misery last week and thankfully, with the support of highly conscious friends, turned it around quickly. Good lesson, that was.
I see a new paradigm forming in the new economy and I like it. I see people engaging in practices that feed them, while simultaneously teaching others how to do it and getting paid for it. That's a win/win if I ever saw one and that's the model that my business endeavours in healing and teaching will follow.
Speaking of which, I'm getting lots of clarity on expanding into healing and teaching. A big part of that will be writing at least one book, perhaps more. I love the web development and it will pay the bills while I expand into the other areas. In all aspects of my livelihood, I wish to be of service to all beings in all realms. I'm receiving feedback from people around the globe about being a positive influence in their lives and it's the first time I've seen and embraced this side of myself. I'm great at being a student, but it's just one part of me and embracing both student and teaching selves feels more balanced.
I feel like what's going on with the economy is just an outward reflection of what's going on inside me and with my life. The things that aren't sustainable are falling away and allowing space for new, collaborative things to be created. It's an exciting time to be alive!
I'm writing this at 2:30am, sitting cross-legged on a pallet I just made on the floor. I seem to be on India time lately and not sleeping at night. I was tossing and turning and had a sudden craving to sleep on the floor tonight. It feels better down here, for some reason.
There's no denying there have been fundamental changes in me since my journey. The layers upon layers of minutiae that are necessary to function in the West are piling on and my soul is crying out when it gets too smothered. Being open to the balancing act and ebb and flow is quite an interesting journey in itself.
I'm noticing deep changes in the way I move within groups of people in social situations. Situations that previously would have had me in my head, engaged in internal dialog around fitting in, are now effortless and fun and I'm totally relaxed and confident. I perceive no risk whatsoever, when before I would have been very constrained. It's fascinating to observe and quite gratifying.
I'm feeling totally in the flow again and have manifested my desires powerfully over the last few days. It's good to note that Tiruvannamalai isn't the only place where I can do that. Work projects are flowing to me and I'm feeling confident and capable. I sense that my plans to return to India for longer periods of time are sound and will happen. I also foresee adventures in various places in North, Central and South America as well as Europe.
I got a valuable lesson in manifestation last week. When fear is what I'm focusing on, that is what is manifested. The Universe is impartial, it doesn't give a rip what we ask for, it just delivers. I dished up a heaping helping of fear and misery last week and thankfully, with the support of highly conscious friends, turned it around quickly. Good lesson, that was.
I see a new paradigm forming in the new economy and I like it. I see people engaging in practices that feed them, while simultaneously teaching others how to do it and getting paid for it. That's a win/win if I ever saw one and that's the model that my business endeavours in healing and teaching will follow.
Speaking of which, I'm getting lots of clarity on expanding into healing and teaching. A big part of that will be writing at least one book, perhaps more. I love the web development and it will pay the bills while I expand into the other areas. In all aspects of my livelihood, I wish to be of service to all beings in all realms. I'm receiving feedback from people around the globe about being a positive influence in their lives and it's the first time I've seen and embraced this side of myself. I'm great at being a student, but it's just one part of me and embracing both student and teaching selves feels more balanced.
I feel like what's going on with the economy is just an outward reflection of what's going on inside me and with my life. The things that aren't sustainable are falling away and allowing space for new, collaborative things to be created. It's an exciting time to be alive!
Friday, March 13, 2009
Icons
I think I've figured out the purpose of icons, at least for me. A few days ago, when I was feeling out of sorts, I decided to hang my goddess wall hangings I picked up in India in my bedroom. I now have Saraswati hanging over my computer table and Kali Ma hanging over my headboard. As an aside, in the two nights since Kali Ma has been presiding over my headboard, I've had very vivid dreams. Since I asked for guidance, I think this is interesting and not coincidental at all.
Back to the icons, it is a completely different experience being in this room for me, now. They literally bring the room to life. In addition to them being breathtakingly beautiful works of art, they focus my attention on the Divine. I know that everything is Divine all the time, but having a visual representation really brings it to the forefront of my attention.
A space doesn't magically change into Divine space when one hangs up a picture of a goddess and I'm not actually worshiping the goddess. It's simply a pointer, a visual cue to remind me. It's an extremely powerful one and shifts my attention to what's already there, all the time. I can even say it acts as a portal for me. It brings my energetics out of the subtle into the material. It also acts as a mirror. I see myself in the intricacies of the colours and shapes.
They come alive when I contemplate them and I can feel shifts in my gross and subtle energies. The space inside of me expands to include the entire Universe. They are my chariots. May I always be surrounded by such lovely and loving vehicles.
Back to the icons, it is a completely different experience being in this room for me, now. They literally bring the room to life. In addition to them being breathtakingly beautiful works of art, they focus my attention on the Divine. I know that everything is Divine all the time, but having a visual representation really brings it to the forefront of my attention.
A space doesn't magically change into Divine space when one hangs up a picture of a goddess and I'm not actually worshiping the goddess. It's simply a pointer, a visual cue to remind me. It's an extremely powerful one and shifts my attention to what's already there, all the time. I can even say it acts as a portal for me. It brings my energetics out of the subtle into the material. It also acts as a mirror. I see myself in the intricacies of the colours and shapes.
They come alive when I contemplate them and I can feel shifts in my gross and subtle energies. The space inside of me expands to include the entire Universe. They are my chariots. May I always be surrounded by such lovely and loving vehicles.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Integration, Round Three - 10 March 2009
I thought I had reintegrated, but oh no. Not yet. I'm having a hard time figuring out what the point of living in Seattle is. I love Seattle. I love my friends here. It's not enough. Why is that???
The more people I reconnect with, the emptier I feel. This was one of the things I was apprehensive about before leaving, this not being happy anywhere after I returned. I don't know who I am. I don't know what I want. Why go through the effort of making a life here if I don't want to live here?
I have the love of some very dear people. If that doesn't do it for me, what will??? I have lots of questions and no answers. Things that used to be my method of grounding simply don't have the same effect on me now. I feel lost and really don't see the point.
I sense that this cleaning out is for my Good. It will allow what's next to appear and have the space to Be. I can't say it's pleasant though. Far from it. Perhaps this is my 40 days in the desert. I do know that it feels quite desolate.
The more people I reconnect with, the emptier I feel. This was one of the things I was apprehensive about before leaving, this not being happy anywhere after I returned. I don't know who I am. I don't know what I want. Why go through the effort of making a life here if I don't want to live here?
I have the love of some very dear people. If that doesn't do it for me, what will??? I have lots of questions and no answers. Things that used to be my method of grounding simply don't have the same effect on me now. I feel lost and really don't see the point.
I sense that this cleaning out is for my Good. It will allow what's next to appear and have the space to Be. I can't say it's pleasant though. Far from it. Perhaps this is my 40 days in the desert. I do know that it feels quite desolate.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Home. 2 March 2009
I've moved into a home that is mine for at least 30 days. Until now, I've moved at least once a week for the last five months. That's pretty amazing.
I've been in Seattle for 4 days and every day seems like a month. Everything is the same, yet different. Every friend I reconnect with and every place I return to brings in a whole multitude of thoughts and assumptions and feelings. A lot of these are on autopilot and some are true after my absence and some are not and I've only just begun this process.
I'm catching some assumptions and feelings that are no longer valid before they express themselves and discarding them immediately. Some get in for a few moments. Some get in for a few days.
I find that some protective walls want to spring up around perceived threats and I'm gently softening them and allowing them to recede to let the true situation unfold, instead of the scary, made up story of my mind. This is a tender process and at times I'm more successful at it than others.
Truth is, I *am* scared. And that's OK. I can soften my reaction to that and allow it to be, as well. There are a multitude of interrelated events unfolding now that are well beyond my powers of orchestration. These things that I know nothing of will come together and manifest as my livelihood.
I choose to trust the flow of Grace, who cradled me in Her arms as Lakshmi today. She has been with me this entire journey and she is not going to drop me now that I'm back. Having the faith and patience to allow things to unfold without pressing the panic button and trying to force everything to happen at once is my dance at the moment, and it's not easy. It's as mystical and requires as much courage as anything I experienced in India. The temptation to chuck it all for some more mainstream sense of security is strong.
So, the irony is that now I'm in a more stable home, I feel less secure than I've been. Now is when the financial responsibilities restart and they are not small. Oh, how I wish I was independently wealthy and didn't have to face this. Please know with me that I am fully supported by the Universe with Grace and Ease.
I've been in Seattle for 4 days and every day seems like a month. Everything is the same, yet different. Every friend I reconnect with and every place I return to brings in a whole multitude of thoughts and assumptions and feelings. A lot of these are on autopilot and some are true after my absence and some are not and I've only just begun this process.
I'm catching some assumptions and feelings that are no longer valid before they express themselves and discarding them immediately. Some get in for a few moments. Some get in for a few days.
I find that some protective walls want to spring up around perceived threats and I'm gently softening them and allowing them to recede to let the true situation unfold, instead of the scary, made up story of my mind. This is a tender process and at times I'm more successful at it than others.
Truth is, I *am* scared. And that's OK. I can soften my reaction to that and allow it to be, as well. There are a multitude of interrelated events unfolding now that are well beyond my powers of orchestration. These things that I know nothing of will come together and manifest as my livelihood.
I choose to trust the flow of Grace, who cradled me in Her arms as Lakshmi today. She has been with me this entire journey and she is not going to drop me now that I'm back. Having the faith and patience to allow things to unfold without pressing the panic button and trying to force everything to happen at once is my dance at the moment, and it's not easy. It's as mystical and requires as much courage as anything I experienced in India. The temptation to chuck it all for some more mainstream sense of security is strong.
So, the irony is that now I'm in a more stable home, I feel less secure than I've been. Now is when the financial responsibilities restart and they are not small. Oh, how I wish I was independently wealthy and didn't have to face this. Please know with me that I am fully supported by the Universe with Grace and Ease.
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