Keeping It Real

The contents of this blog keep shifting, just like my life. However, the one, unchanging purpose of the blog is to be a trail of breadcrumbs. I intend it to be a travelogue of the journey I call life. I want other people on the journey to read it and perhaps find a bit of themselves and their triumphs and struggles in here and know they are not alone.

I don't want to spin it, I just want to capture it. A life of transformation is not all sweetness and light. Yes, what we pay attention to increases, but what we deny or resist persists. It's not balanced to only focus on the light side. God is in the angst just as God is in the joy.

There's no cause for concern when the posts are heavy. It's all just a part of life. Wrestling with angels is hard work and stirs up a lot of muck. Shadow sides are part of us, too, and carry much valuable information. They are not to be shunned, they are to be embraced.

Each new plateau brings new vistas and new terrain to navigate. The journey to awakening is never ending. Sometimes it's easy and sometimes the path is rock strewn. One is not better than the other as far as value. Sure the easy parts feel better, but I won't deny the hard parts.

Through it all, however, I laugh. Nothing is permanent and when I wrestle with the angels, I always find my way through it to the peace on the other side. I will hopefully learn how to put aside the wrestling for more gentle ways to learn, and I know joy is my natural state. It's all good.

Futility

Futility. That’s what it’s all about. Nothing will gain you happiness. Nothing. Not being a parent. Not having that perfect special lover. Not getting that special job. Not getting that raise. Not getting that promotion. Not learning to sing. Not earning that new degree. Not taking up that new spiritual practice. Not wandering a foreign country for four months. Not walking on fire. Not learning that new language. Not getting that big house. Not living on the waterfront. Nothing.

I know whereof I speak. I’ve done it all. Well, all except that new degree thing, and I’m rethinking that in light of this. Nothing has brought me happiness.

I’m fundamentally not happy and I’m still me. I think these two things are directly related. I think I took on a lot of these things not just to be happy, but to alter who I am so I could be acceptable to myself. Guess what? It didn’t happen. I’m still just as critical of myself as ever.

So, what is the key? How do I learn to accept myself? I honestly don’t know. I do know that I’m exhausting myself by all the reaching and grasping and “growing”. Fuck all that. I really hope I’m done with that.

Perhaps now that I know nothing will make me happy, I can focus on getting to know who I am, exactly the way I am, without judgment. I think that’s my only hope.

Just a typical weekend...

What have you been up to lately?

Me? Not much. The usual.

What's that?

Normal stuff, you know.

No, I don't. Tell me.

Well, Thursday, I went kayaking on Lake Union with friends and drummed in a music jam at a friend's birthday party.

Friday, I rode my bike 8 miles and read my book in the sun on the shore of Lake Washington with Mt. Rainier in the background and talked with a woman about taking windsurfing and kayaking lessons. Later, I watched an aerialist show in the park and ran into some friends and joined them for an Ethiopian dinner.

Saturday I put down a deposit on a waterfront apartment, broke an arrow with my throat and walked on fire.

Sunday I went to church, danced and sang, got together with friends and read poetry and spiritual works and discussed them, walked and laughed and talked and started learning to juggle.

You know, normal stuff...